


Soul Society

by HadenXCharm



Category: Bleach
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Baby, Child Rescue, F/F, F/M, Family, First Meetings, Happy Ending, M/M, Online Dating, Single Fathers AU, emotional congestion, kazui & ichika, lots of sad and confused, plot is spotty at best, single dads, the one where they don't know they've met online
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-03-22 16:08:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 37,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13767702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HadenXCharm/pseuds/HadenXCharm
Summary: With a big change coming in his life, Ichigo's best friend Rukia encourages him to try and meet someone to take his mind off things - but internet-dating?    Like he'll ever meet anyone interesting online.Besides, what a pathetic tagline for a website.'Soul Society: Single and lonely? Use our site to find your perfect match today!'





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i'm not that proud of this one guys - it's only sort of okay around the beginning and then devolves as it goes on. 
> 
> but it's finished so no point in throwing it away. so here.

“Look Rukia, it’s not the best idea right now,” Ichigo told her. “I wanna’ have free time, just in case.”

He was on his way out of work, still in his scrubs and a light jacket with his bag over his shoulder as he walked out to the parking structure connected to his building. He held his phone to his cheek, taking a call with his best friend. She’s been on him for weeks to start dating online. He knew she meant well, but he wished she would stop harping on him about this. His life’s about to change big time and he didn’t want to complicate things.

“C’mon Ichigo, it’ll make things easier if you could just find someone,” she insisted, “you know, to take your mind off things.”

He closed his eyes and sighed. “Yeah, I know.” He pressed his lips together, and relented. “Alright.”

As if having known all along that she’d get what she wanted, Rukia’s voice came through, smug and satisfied, “I know a great website to meet people.” Ichigo resigned himself to his fate, trudging over to his Kawasaki scooter. “It’s called _‘Soul Society.’”_

“That’s so fucking cheesy,” he said bluntly.

“Be quiet!”

“Okay okay,” Ichigo grumbled. “I’ll do it tonight.”

She’s told him over and over to set up a dating profile, and begrudgingly, he knew she was right. He needed to meet someone - at the very least, he ought to make some friends. Rukia was a shoulder to lean on, but she was out of the country, as she was for the greater part of the year, and although he had other buddies, there were none he could confide in quite like her. He knew she was just worried about him, wanted him to be taken care of, and if it meant making this stupid dating profile, then fine.

When he got home, he did.

He sat in front of his laptop for a long time, staring at the screen and the blinking cursor after putting in the basic stuff like his name, his age, his ethnicity, eye color, et cetera - things that would appear on his driver’s license.

 _  
_ _‘Tell us about yourself.’_

 

  . . . What the hell does he even type?

  
He sighed, rubbing his hand over his eyes and head, having immediately forgotten everything about himself and his personality, every interesting experience he’d had since birth, every hobby, every good thing about him that might make somebody want to get to know him.

 

_‘Hi’_

 

He deleted that almost immediately after typing it out and started over.

_‘Hi, my name is’_

 

_‘Hey, I’m’_

 

He did that several times over until he was finally able to type out some basic things about himself - his job, his likes and dislikes.

After that, he made his chatname: _hollow-souru._    Whatever.

He still thought this was a bad idea, considering how much he knew his life was going to change in the next few months, but Rukia was right. It’d be better to have a distraction, something to look forward to. Meeting someone nice might help him get through this.

He probably won’t even get any hits on such a shitty profile anyways. He didn’t even put a picture of himself up, leaving the avatar icon blank.

It only took Ichigo a couple days to forget all about that though, because as it happens, his life is very uninteresting and mundane - that is, except when it isn’t. Crazy things have been known to happen to him from time to time. Now that high school was over and he was an adult, it was less of that, more of the monotonous and mind-numbingly boring routine, day after day after day of the same. Except when it wasn’t. From time to time, crazy shit happens to him, as it always seems to do after a certain amount of repetition.

In any case, it was on a boring Thursday afternoon when life decided it was one of those days again.

He was at a stoplight, bumming around and waiting for the crosswalk to clear. It was a normal boring day, normal day at work, normal lunch, partly cloudy and the usual traffic. He was on his scooter going home from work at the crisis center, blandly staring around with his bike vibrating beneath him and his helmet buzzing against his head, the strap numbing his chin.

 _‘I should stop and get groceries,’_ he thought mildly. He should get some groceries so he could go make his normal boring dinner and watch boring tv and then go to bed and wake up for another day of the same tomorrow. _‘Whatever, it’s gonna’ all change really soon. Once he comes…’_

All of a sudden, Ichigo was snapped out of his daydreaming when someone laid on the horn behind him. After the instinctive reaction in which he immediately thought he was at fault, Ichigo startled, but then stared open-mouthed as this white van came careening down the street, the one intersecting the crossroad he was waiting at. People dove out of the walkway, screaming as the van blared the horn, clearly not intending to stop for the light.

The adrenaline pounded through him in that moment that he watched the van rocket through the intersection and then slam into another vehicle, a moving van. From what he had seen, all the people crossing the road had made it safely to the edges of the street before the accident.

  
      Wow, that was crazy.   

                     _‘What the fuuuuck.’_

  
The van, only crunched up in the front, was still able to drive, and tried to veer back out of the wreck and go around it, but it had slowed, and was smoking from the front.

Ichigo only had a moment or two to blink at the insanity unfolding before him, because in the next second, things got even crazier.

Hearing _screaming_ from behind him, Ichigo twisted at the waist, one hand keeping his bike steady while he looked over his shoulder - this guy was coming up behind him, running _full sprint_ up the sidewalk like wild dogs were snapping at his heels, viciously shoving people out of his way and yelling his head off. Woah, he was monstrously tall, and looked like a real troublemaker with his red hair and those tattoos, and hoh, shit, he was running right at Ichigo.

Of course he was. He didn’t know why he was surprised, really.

The guy was absolutely crazed - he was in the full swing of panic, distress, and rage. Ichigo knew he should turn around and wait for him to pass, but he didn’t, strangely fascinated to the point where he couldn’t stop staring. He made the mistake of making direct eye contact, and once he did, the fucker honed in on him immediately, closing the last few yards and skidding to a stop next to him - he got right in his face.

“Gimme the bike!” he barked, and there’s desperation in his face like nothing Ichigo’s ever seen in a sober person.

  
_‘Oh shit, he’s on drugs.’_

“What? No way,” Ichigo refused, and a second later, the guy grabbed him and tried to drag him off it, _throw_ him off it into the street. “Dude, stop!” Ichigo shouted, shoving at his arms, “No!”

“That guy has my kid, gimme’ the goddamn bike!” red-hair hollered, the rage in his face becoming open panic. He was panting so hard from all that running that he was nearly dry-heaving, but he was still on his feet, his legs wobbling. He gave another weak swing at Ichigo, shoving at him, but he remained firmly seated on his scooter. “He’s getting away,” he wheezed. “He’s fucking getting away!”

     “Kid?” Ichigo’s head snapped up towards the van, which had made it down the street, almost out of sight.

The light turned green then, and in that moment, he didn’t know why, his brain switched off, and without thinking it through, he slammed on the gas on split-second impulse, zooming out into the street past the busted-up moving truck and after the crazed driver - not a second too late. The van was recklessly speeding away.

He thought he heard an enraged howl from behind him, but it’s too late to turn back. _“You fucking bastard!”_

Ichigo’s blood cooled after a few minutes tailing the van, veering after it through various states of pandemonium - he nearly loses it a few times, but always manages to spot it again in time to follow at a distance. Now that he had time to think about it, he didn’t know if getting involved was the best idea, but it seemed stupid to quit now after coming this far. He looks at the swerving back of the battered van, the double doors. Was there really a kid in there? If there’s even a chance that there is, there’s no way he’s stopping.

 _‘Where the fuck are the police?’_ he wondered, grinding his teeth in uncertainty. Nobody else was following them, even after that van had barrelled on for miles and caused a shitton of property damage. If he gave up and just went home, the guy would get away and it’d be too late for that kid. He tightened his grip on the handlebars, realizing he was probably on his own.

Ichigo began nervously looking at the gas gauge. He wouldn’t be able to follow for much longer. He might have to turn back if he didn’t want to get stranded. He glared up at the back of the truck in the distance. God, where was he taking them? They were driving out of the city. He had a sinking feeling in his gut about what he might do with the kid. Rape them? Kill them? They’re obviously going to some sort of secluded place.

He’d never met any of these people, and the guy from before - presumably the dad - seemed like quite the character. He knew he shouldn’t get involved when it wasn’t his business, but he somehow felt responsible, because he understood what made a person go that crazy trying to protect loved ones. He’d act the exact same way if it had been his little sisters.

_‘Fuck it. You’ve gotta’ commit to this rescue, Kurosaki. You’re not leaving without that goddamn kid.’_

He’s going to follow and make sure this kid’s okay. He might not be able to rescue them himself, but he’ll sure as hell follow and call the cops as soon as he could.

Thankfully, the van slowed and stopped swerving about and ramming through things once outside the city limits. Ichigo followed as it drove out to the mountains and through the back entrance of a park trail. He cut the engine of his bike once the van was just out of sight, hopped off it and rolled it alongside him, peering around the corner of the path into the dirt lot where the van was haphazardly thrown into park. No one else was here. The ranger hut stood empty and so did the lot. They were all alone. Ichigo put his hand back to his scooter seat to take his phone out, but stopped when the door to the van opened.

 

     There _was_ a kid.

 

Ichigo didn’t know what he’d expected a kidnapping to look like. Maybe he’d thought it would be tamer than it was in the movies, or more brutal, but in any case, it hadn’t occurred to him that it would be so fucking scary in real life.

His blood froze as he watched a man take a small girl out of the car and hold her at _gunpoint -_ holy fucking shit.

Ichigo’s heart began beating like crazy. He didn’t know why, but he hadn’t thought ahead to the guy having any weapons, to putting any immediate threat on the girl’s life. Maybe he should have been ready for that, but for some reason it hadn’t crossed his mind. He’d thought maybe he would take her in the woods and gag her, maybe masturbate or something and then try and strangle her, or take her and sell her into one of those human trafficking rings. He hadn’t thought about guns or knives or anything.

He just stared for a moment at the display, unable to move, unable to do anything but watch. He can’t exactly make out what is being said from the distance, but he saw the man place a strip of duct tape into the girl’s hands, probably demanding she place it onto her own mouth. _‘Fuck,’_ Ichigo thought, his mind a neverending stream of it. _‘Fuck, fuck, fuck.’_

He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do in a situation like this. He’s just a regular guy. He was trained to save people’s lives, but not like this; he’s not a cop. He’s in over his fucking head. But he has to do something, doesn’t he, or she’ll be all alone with that guy. What can she do by herself, she’s just a little kid.

He unfroze then, struck with an urgency to move, to hurry. He put down his bike’s kickstand and crept forward. The man was facing the other way, towards the girl, who was standing there shaking, holding the piece of tape.

“I said fucking cover your mouth,” Ichigo heard the man bark. He sounded antsy, as if worried she might scream. She didn’t, but she didn’t listen to his demand to put the tape on her mouth either, seeming frozen stiff. All she does is whimper.

Ichigo grit his teeth when the man asked if she was stupid and shoved the gun in her face. Thinking frantically, feeling himself down for anything that could be used as a weapon, he began fumbling over the seat of his bike again, taking out his phone and then creeping forward. While the kidnapper was distracted with the kid, Ichigo took pictures of the license plate and what he could see of the guy’s face, then approached silently around the side of the van where neither of them could see him. He can’t let the kid see him either. He was worried that if she did, it would show on her face and then alert the man to his presence, and then who knew what might happen.   Fuck, the guy’s got a _gun._ Ichigo’s never even seen one in real life before and he hated how it made him feel, the terrifying notion that at any moment, the guy could pull the trigger, that’s all he had to do, and that girl’s life was gone, so fast.

_‘Focus. Focus.’_

He was going to try and work himself up to fight the guy. He’d been planning to wait until the cops showed up, but a firearm was a game-changer. The kid might be in immediate danger - he had to help her _right now._  

Ichigo pressed himself to the side of the van, not letting himself think about the very real possibility that he was about to be shot. He was actually really fucking scared, but he knew he had to keep his cool. He’s no stranger to fights, but this was an entirely different animal. He had one chance at this, had to wait for the right moment and then go for the gun with everything he had. Everything hinges on getting that gun out of the guy’s hands. Then they could fight.

He swallowed, closed his eyes, and tried to calm the furious pounding of his heart. He can feel it in his lips, in his eyeballs, in his fingertips. The adrenaline was beginning to fuel him as it usually did at the crisis center, helping him work better under pressure to save someone’s life. Instead of making his hands shake and his breath come forced, Ichigo’s mind felt sharp and his body surged with warmth as his blood pumped.

It definitely was that guy’s kid. Though they weren’t identical, there was no mistaking it with the similar hair. He moved around the side of the car and waited for the man to shout something so he could cover the rustling sound of lifting a thick branch out of the brush. He swallowed and took a few slow breaths, holding it aloft, ready to bludgeon the guy in the head when he rounded the corner of the van.  


_‘This is it. No hesitating. You’ve got one shot, so you’ve gotta’ go hard.  One… Two…’_  


It doesn’t come to him naturally to hurt people though, and after he reared up, ready to beat the guy across the temple, he hesitated, just for an instant, and that's enough for him to lose his perfect chance, because the girl saw him, _shit._

She didn’t hide it on her face at all, her cheeks slackening and her wide eyes going even wider. She immediately began screaming, yanking wildly against the guy’s grip on her arm.

He turned and saw Ichigo, and in his panic, he grabbed the girl and yanked her against his front. She was crying aloud while the guy pulled her hair and pointed the gun at her head. Ichigo froze, inhaling sharply.

“Don’t do it,” he blurted immediately, voice harsh and sharp. “Don’t fucking do it.”

“Yo man,” the man growls, breathless, “Just back away or I’ll blow her fucking brains out. You hear me? I’ll fucking shoot. I will.” He shakes her by the hair too and she sobbed, all the shocked frightened silence from before gone. “You got that, kid, I’ll fucking kill you if you don’t shut up!”

The girl was crying, sniffling. She was so small, she had to be five or six, only an elementary student, and Ichigo did feel his hands begin to shake then, thinking of his little sisters, thinking of their brains splattered in the dirt in the woods. He dropped the branch and held his hands up, but he didn’t take his eyes off the gun, not for a moment.

“Okay, take it easy…”

He didn’t know why the guy hadn’t just shot him on sight - probably a mistake born out of panic or inexperience, or maybe he’d only been committed to kidnap but not to murder - and that was when Ichigo realized that it was probably true. He’d never had any intention of shooting anyone, had he, merely using the gun for intimidation.  


     That’s when, heart pounding, Ichigo called his bluff. “Bite him,” he urged. “Kid, bite him.”  


And she looked at him blankly for all of one second before she chomped viciously on the guy’s arm. He howled, trying to shake her off. She fell to the ground, and Ichigo lost track of her, because the second she bit him, he dove for the gun. It ended up on the ground in the struggle and before either of them could grab it, they were punching and grappling at each other.

He knows if the guy manages to reach the gun, he'll shoot, someone will die, and some wild animal part of his brain trained to survive took over. Ichigo beat the guy over the head with his fists again and again, somehow knocking him down. He got on top of him and wailed on him, punching him and punching him until there was blood on his knuckles and he was sure the guy was out cold.

When he stood up, he was heaving for breath and staring down at the man’s bashed-up blood-streaked face, and then he looked up and made eye contact with the little girl, who stood there frozen, looking back at him for no more than a second before bolting off down the mountainside into the bushes.

In a different situation he would've stayed and thought things through, called the police, tied the guy up, but there was no time. Just like before in that split second he’d decided to chase after them on his bike, after an instant, he grabbed the gun and tore off after her before he lost her.


	2. Chapter 2

Ichigo ditched the gun not long after he started running, not wanting it to discharge accidentally and hit one of them - as long as that guy didn’t wake up and take it and come try and finish the job, Ichigo didn’t care where the gun ended up.

He chased her down the hill through the woods for some time. She was small and could duck and run and fit through places he couldn’t, and desperation made her wild - but he eventually nabbed her by the back of her shirt and snatched an arm around her middle, lifting her into the air and gripping her against his chest. She threw her weight around and thrashed, kicking, and to keep from tumbling down the mountainside, Ichigo controlled his fall and was sent backwards onto his butt in the leaves.

When he finally had her, she fought him, and for such a little thing, she was pretty rowdy, scratching him and hitting him, screaming and sobbing, but Ichigo just held her tight. “Shh, shh, shh, it’s okay,” he comforted, like he did at work with kids who’d had a bad shock. “You’re okay.”

She eventually stopped and began whimpering, and he pet her hair a little bit. “You’re okay. I’m gonna’ take you back to your dad.”

Voice froggy and wet with tears, the girl told him, “You don’t know my daddy. Daddy said people who say that are lying, so don’t go with you.” It’s the first thing Ichigo’s heard her say.

“Well, I do know him. I know what he looks like,” Ichigo said, at least glad that she was starting to calm down. “He’s got tattoos and a pony just like yours, only bright red, like a fire truck.”

She stopped squirming and just sniffled, sitting there in his lap. Ichigo didn’t say anything, giving her a few seconds to breathe and try to process everything. God, she’s so little. He can’t get over how little she is. “. . .”

“You seen him,” she said at last, slowly, as if hesitantly coming to trust him. Kids always tend to like him for some reason, almost out of instinct, which he’s not complaining about. He likes them back.

“Yeah.” Ichigo gave a warm smile. “He’s looking everywhere for you.”

They were quite a ways down from the place the man had taken her, having run some distance. Ichigo looked up, figuring he should try and call the police now, try and bring her back, but as he was going to stand up, they heard something, and both went still.

“Shh-sh,” he hushed her, and she didn’t make a peep, little heart beating like a frightened rabbit. He can feel it where she squeezed his thumb, tight, so tight. “Stay down,” he breathed, and she did, making herself very small.

Ichigo slowly stood up, looking around in silence for almost a full minute. “I think it was just a bird,” he said at last. “Let’s go back.”

She stood up at his side, so small that the top of her head didn’t even come up to his hip. She’s bleeding and bruised up from her escape down the hillside through the woods, her face scratched and her hair full of leaves. Her cheeks are red with tears. God, she seemed really shaken up. Poor little kid.

Ichigo was fairly okay with kids, even outside of work. Even though there weren’t any babies or little ones in his family anymore, he’d grown up as a big brother, so he felt somewhat qualified to be her big brother for the day. Especially going above and beyond to save her, he felt very protective of this little girl. He’s going to see her safely home.

He didn’t know why he’d done what he’d done. In that moment, he’d just acted, the sense of panic on that father’s face echoing in his own heart, and when he saw the van drive away, this mindless jolt of fright had shot through him. He’d thought of the little one that was going to be in his own life soon being taken away like that.

He crouched back down in concern, because it fucking bugs him; such a small child should never look so beaten up as she did. He squatted next to her and took a couple leaves from her ponytail. “You okay?” he murmured, pleased to see that she’d almost ceased crying completely, even the sniffling all but gone. “What happened? Will you tell me?”

Growing a little upset again, her lip wobbled and voice grew watery as she told him, “Daddy went to get soda for our picnic and I was guarding our blanket and that mean guy grabbed me an’, an’ he made me get in his car.” Ichigo nodded attentively even as her voice grew more and more squeaky with tears as she explained.

“Well it’s over now,” he soothed. “Will you come with me? We’re gonna’ get out of here, okay?” She sniffed, swallowing down her tears, making a show of considering his offer. She nodded and then held his hand, which surprised him for a moment, but he closed her little hand in his grasp a second after.

“You’re pretty brave,” he said with a smile. She perked right up.

“Yeah,” she chirped. “I wasn’t even scared!” She said it as she wiped her messy face, smearing the snot and tears and dirt around. Ichigo gave a little laugh.

“Look, little sister,” he muttered, putting a hand to her cheek, brushing hair off her dirty bruised face, “Are you okay?” Wording things carefully, Ichigo went on to ask, “Did he... hurt you?”

“He was bad, he shook me around and yelled at me.” She stuck her little lip out. “He smelled so bad, he was mean.”

Ichigo breathed a quiet sigh of relief. It seemed like the guy hadn’t… touched her or anything. He’d gotten there in time. “We’re gonna’ go tell the police officer what the bad man did to you, okay?” he prompted. “I’m gonna’ stay with you until we find your dad, and I won’t let anything happen to you, okay?” She nodded and nodded, and Ichigo felt pleased with having calmed her down. “Dad got lost, so we gotta’ go wait till the police find him and tell him we found you, alright?”

She let him put her on his back for a piggyback ride, and he carried her out through the woods. He was a little on edge, worried that the guy might still be lurking around somewhere, and warned her to be really really quiet just in case. Ichigo crept around cautiously, coming over the crest of the hillside and peering through the trees, but from the looks of it, the van and the guy were both gone. He must have woken up and made a break for it. Ichigo supposed that was a blessing. They could always catch him later. Now he just had to get her home safe.

His bike was still there, thankfully unscathed. Continuing to talk to the girl soothingly and reassuring her that she would see her dad soon - she keeps asking, clearly nervous - Ichigo put his helmet on her little head and placed her on his lap, holding her securely there with one arm - she’s so damn small, she can’t be more than a first year shougakusei. He takes her straight to the nearest gas station and feeds her some candy while he fills up the tank, and then they drive back into the city and straight to the municipality police office on his Kawasaki.

He stood at the counter and made the report with her holding his pant leg - _‘Hi, I have to return a missing child.’ -_ and then waited in the station with her. He learned a lot about her. She’s six, her name is Ichika, and she loves bunnies and monkeys the most of any animals. They played stupid little games together until the frantic father came bursting in.

When the man saw her, he rushed over and seized her, almost ferocious about it, snatching her up and yanking her to his body. She jumped into his arms and began to cry all over again despite several calm hours, snuggling her head into his neck and clinging on with her arms and legs like a baby monkey.

The dad held her and held her and raged, aggressive towards everyone who came near him and tried to tell him the situation, shouting and growling despite the tears coming from his angry eyes.

“You’re safe, oh god, you’re okay. Oh baby, I thought I lost you,” he whispered, holding her little head in his hand, cradling her to him, her heaving chest, soothing her little wails. Great big man that he was, he was shaking and the tears were just _pouring_ down his face. “I was so scared, I was so scared I lost you, baby,” he choked out, “Baby, my baby.”

Ichigo stood there awkwardly, hands in his pockets, but was glad to see that she’d been returned to her loved ones. Turning on everyone who tried to show him the police report, the man eventually laid eye on him, and when he saw him, he straightened up and bared his teeth. “You!” he hollered, eyes wild with rage, “It’s you!”

“Yeah…” Ichigo rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. Now that he thought about it, he’d probably dashed the last of this guy’s hopes, just driving off like that and leaving him there. He’d probably thought he’d lost his daughter for good.

“Why the fuck did you- _What’s the matter with you?!”_ he shouted, flustered, spitting, god, he’s a mess. His face is red and wet and he just clings onto his girl like she could be taken away again by any one of them. Ichika’s still blubbering, but it sounds more like relief and residual shock, her wails quiet and exhausted like a little lamb.

“Sorry, yeah. I know.” Ichigo gave a grimace of a smile. He’s never been as good at comforting adults, especially the men, who tended to lash out more than the women and kids who came in distressed with their loved ones needing life-or-death care. “At least she’s okay though.”

Taking a few heavy breaths, eyes flicking around, the man barked, “What about that sorry son of a-”

“He got away.”

“Got away?!” he burst, enraged. “What, you let him go?! I woulda’ torn that guy apart!”

“Look, I know exactly how you feel,” Ichigo said, refusing to holler back or react in any way to the man’s rage, not wanting to fire him up even more or escalate things in any way. “Whenever I think about someone hurting my son or bullying him, I just…” Ichigo sighed and dropped a hand with a grimace.

The man blinked then, body still coiled tight, but his rage took a pause. “You got kids?” he wondered almost blankly, looking at him in a new light, his shoulders starting to lower.

“Yeah,” Ichigo smiled a little, feeling almost a little bashful. “Or, I will soon. I’m expecting actually.” He scuffed his toe and rubbed the back of his head, half-smiling. “A baby son.”

He could see the moment when his rage dissipated just enough for reason to go through his mind and he changed from being blindly angry to realizing that he’d rescued his little girl.

“Thank you,” he whispered, holding her and kissing her head, nestled on his shoulder as she sucked her thumb, exhausted and tear-streaked. “So much.”

Ichigo smiled a little bit more, shrugging. “Ehh. No big deal.”

The guy seemed to stare at him in amazement, which made Ichigo feel a little bit embarrassed. He always did when he received what he felt was undue praise.

Once the guy started talking to the police about his options and what to do next, how to stay informed about the manhunt for this guy, Ichigo made to leave, seeing that he was no longer needed - he’d given all the information he had earlier.

When he went to go, the father, with his little girl falling asleep on his shoulder, grabbed Ichigo’s arm and said, “Hey…” Ichigo looked up into his eyes, back to his hand on his arm, back to his face… “Lemme’ buy you a drink sometime.”

Ichigo stopped.

And to his own surprise, he said, “... Okay,” feeling thrilled down to his toes. When he wasn’t shouting at him like a maniac or crying for his first born, he was really kind of… _handsome._

Ichigo knew that he probably only meant the offer for drinks like, in a man to man way, but the way Ichigo glanced to his feet and swiped at his nose - and likely blushed too - probably gave what he was thinking away. He’d always been obvious like that.

But the handsome father didn’t change his mind at the sight of him fidgeting. He seemed encouraged actually, even seemed to perk up. “Yeah?” he said, smiling at the very corner of his mouth.

“Yeah sure.” Ichigo coughed and then looked away. He exchanged numbers with the guy. His name is Abarai Renji.

 

 _‘So I guess that happened,’_ he thought on his way home, puttering around on his scooter. _‘About those groceries now…’_


	3. Chapter 3

For the next few nights after the kidnapping, Renji woke up to hear Ichika crying and calling _‘daddy’_ through the walls, and he’d come and scoop her up and put her in bed with him.

Tonight was the same. He came through the doorway of her bedroom to find her sitting up in bed, blubbering and sniffling and calling for him like she really thought he might not come.   “C’mere, baby girl,”  he cooed, heartbroken for her as he cradled her trembling body and carried her to his room.  “C’mere, shhh-shh-shh. I gotcha’,” he hushed, tucking her in next to him and soothing her until she fell asleep.

He gave a long sigh, laying an arm over his eyes after she settled, sniffling and hiccuping even still in her sleep. He had to fight down a hard knot in his own throat, just thinking about this goddamn situation that had his little baby daughter crying scared in her own house from nightmares.

Ichika wasn’t hurt, thank god, beyond some cuts and scrapes that she’d told him were from running through the woods - which, when didn’t she have a couple cuts and scrapes? She wasn’t hurt, but still, unable to fully fight off this sick feeling, Renji thought and thought about, _god, that monster hadn’t touched her, had he?_ He’d been touched really badly as a kid, so he knew the signs, and he was scared out of his mind that he might see them in his own child. She wasn’t wetting the bed, and he’s checked her private parts during her bath for any mysterious marks or redness and found nothing, and all of that should ease his nerves, but she was having nightmares every goddamn night, and she’s never been like that, she’s his little warrior. His brave girl didn’t want to sleep by herself and was showing a fear of strangers too, which wasn’t like her at all.

He was eating himself alive over it, driving himself crazy trying to figure out if his daughter, his special little one had been molested, if he’d let some monster hurt her like he’d been hurt - _if he’d failed._  

It’s been like this ever since the incident. During the day wasn’t much better either. His usual cheery and gentle daughter has gotten in trouble at school. Twice now when he’s come to pick her up from school, he found her standing there in her elementary school uniform of blue striped shorts and a shirt with her name on it and a colored cap, holding her teacher’s hand, and been given a note about her behavior that day. At home, she’s been fussy and disobedient, but Renji was taking it as patiently as he could - she was so little, and she’d gone through something traumatic. He hated how helpless he felt, seeing her personality change. He didn’t know what to do.

He wanted more than anything to ask her, to press her for what had happened - _‘What did the bad man do to you, baby? Where did he touch you?’ -_ but he’d heard that it could mess a kid up just as badly to put that in their head if it hasn’t happened.

At last, dread tearing him apart from the inside, he carefully asked her, “When that guy took you away... he didn’t do anything weird, did he?”

“He said so many bad words, daddy,” was what she told him, kicking her legs as she sat across from him at the table and ate her breakfast, his precious little angel. “He said every bad word.”

“Hmm,” he mumbled to show his disapproval. “Okay. Please do your best at school today.”

She must have been found in time. She had to have been. God, he can’t thank that kid enough for what he did.

Renji meant to text him soon and ask him to come down so he could buy him a drink _\- fuck, if he could, he’d buy him a car. He’d saved his little girl._

Ichika didn’t talk about the kid very much other than saying that Ichigo was scary because he’d beaten up the bad man so bad that he looked dead, but he wasn’t scary to her because he was really nice and brave and had given her a piggyback and let her ride his motorcycle and stayed with her in the station until he’d gotten there - Renji had almost fallen down in the street when he’d received that call that she’d been found, so relieved after hours of frantic panicked searching, slowly losing hope that he’d ever see Ichika again. Ichigo had stayed with her, still been there with her when Renji had burst in and broken down crying to have her back.

That kid definitely had a good heart to put himself on the line like that. Renji’d seen in the police report that the guy had had a gun - it’d been recovered a few days ago. He’d been so brave. Ichika wasn’t even his kid, and he’d been so goddamn brave. Renji can’t thank him enough.

Now that she was home though, the guilt was eating him alive. She's been in his care. Their family was one that lived apart, and while Ichika was with him, he raised her on his own, she was in his sole charge, and he'd let her get taken away like that. If luck hadn't been on his side, things could've gone very differently. He may have never seen her ever again.

He grit his teeth, the shame and failure he felt as a father making him feel sick. He’d only been gone for a minute or so at the vending machine near the public bathroom in the park. They lived in a very safe country, a safe city, a safe neighborhood, and he hadn't thought much of walking away from her in broad daylight for a few minutes. He hadn’t even let her out of his sight really; he had still been able to see her there, playing and frolicking in the grass around their picnic blanket, waiting for him to come back with her bubble-juice and his soda. On his way back, he’d seen it happen. He saw the guy look around and then bolt towards her, _snatch_ her up and put her in his van. God, when he’d put the shirt over her head…

He’d tried to catch up, tried to get her back, but he hadn’t been fast enough. The guy got away, took her away from him. What was he going to do, what was he going to fucking do with his little girl?

God, the  _things_ that had gone through his mind, he's never been so goddamn scared, too scared to breathe, too scared to cry, to do anything but panic. His six-year-old baby girl, so little and sweet and  _innocent_ , taken by that dirty guy, what if he hurt her, what if he touched her or  _raped her_ or killed her in the woods - what if they found her dead months later, an unidentifiable pile of bones picked apart by animals, or what if they never found her at all, what if she got sold away and sent overseas?    

He hadn't known what to do once he'd lost the truck. He went to the police, frantic, but hours had gone by and they hadn't gotten back to him, and Renji shut down. 

Fuck, he was never going to see her again, was he. Not until he had to identify her, if that. Renji had never been so afraid his whole life long, never known so much despair - hadn’t known that a human heart, even pounding so hard in panic, could feel like he was carrying it around _dead,_ like a rock.

    Thank goodness he’d gotten her back. Renji squeezed her little, limp, sleeping body, cuddling her against his chest.

In that moment of profound relief, not thinking straight and wanting to hold onto the hero who’d saved his baby for a little longer, Renji had thought that he would’ve been turned down for drinks, thought that the kid would politely refuse and quietly leave their lives - but to his utter surprise, he hadn’t refused. He’d _blushed._

Renji shook his head though and told himself not to get too excited. He couldn’t think like that these days.

He had Ichika to think about. Now that he had her, the days of finding someone are over - at least until she’s grown, and that won’t be for another ten or so years. He can’t fool around. He’s gotta’ act right and take care of her. He shouldn’t even be thinking about it.

But once the thought was there, that boy’s blushing face - _his name is Kurosaki Ichigo and he had blushed at him_ \- it put warmth in his chest, and it didn’t go away. Maybe it was silly to like him after only knowing him for probably less than an hour cumulatively, maybe it was a kind of hero-worship to want to see that guy again - I mean, the kid had saved his pride and joy, his reason to keep going, his little girl.

 

           But if it was hero-worship, was that so wrong? . . . What was the matter with liking someone as brave and kind as to rescue a kid from an armed kidnapper?

 

Once things settled down at home a little more, Renji found that the thought lingered in his mind, seeing that boy again, and he decided, fuck it. He arranged it the next morning, shooting Ichigo a text for Friday night plans. He had to work late, so after picking Ichika up from school, he had to drop her off immediately for the rest of the night, to be taken care of. She can’t be with her mom right now, so he left her with the people he trusted most.

When he did, Yumichika was still at work, but Ikkaku was there at home, and when Ichika ran inside eagerly with her backpack jingling, Ikkaku stood in the doorway and crossed his arms as Renji put her overnight bag down in the entryway.

"Hey!" Ikkaku barked sternly, and Ichika startled, looking back at them guiltily and drawing her hand back from the full-grown iguana crawling down the hallway to find its heat lamps. "You leave him be, girlie. You know he bites."

"Why don't you put that thing in its cage when she comes over," Renji grumbled.

"Ryou's free-range," Ikkaku insisted stubbornly. "He's my buddy. He wouldn't forgive me if I put him back in there."

"Ikkaku, I'm not kidding,  _it'll bite her fingers off,"_ he hissed, so she wouldn't hear them.

"I _told_ her that, I _keep_ tellin' her not to touch him, but she keeps doin' it!"

"You can't have an animal like a lizard wandering around and expect a little kid not to want to touch it!"

"I'm not putting him in the cage just 'cause she's here. He was here first, yeah? She's just gotta' learn to listen," Ikkaku raised his voice. "Maybe she'll lose her fingers, maybe she won't." Ichika made a squeaking sound from the hallway, trotting back out and leaving Ikkaku's pet alone.

"Ikkaku..."

"I'll keep 'em apart, don't worry." Renji gave a long groan of dissatisfaction, but knew that Ikkaku wouldn't really let her get hurt - or more accurately, wouldn't let his beloved pet be disturbed by the children that frequently visited.

He meant to dash off so he could grab something to eat before his shift, but they got to talking. “She might still be a little difficult tonight. She's still agitated over everything, so please be patient with her if she gets sassy. Anyway, I’ll pick her up late if you leave the door unlocked,” he said, making sure everything was in her little bag, her blanket and pajamas, toothbrush, story-book. “Thanks for doing this for me,” he said, as he always did, even though Ichika’s been staying over at their place while he worked for a few nights a week since god knows when. _Years_ now. Since she’d still been toddling around.

“Just a couple more weeks. I’ll repay you,” he promised, like always, but Ikkaku refused, as always.  

Glaring at him in both eyes, Ikkaku accused, “When’s the last time you had us watch her because you were actually having a night to yourself.”

Renji gave a long sigh. He can’t do this now. He can’t have this argument now. He was doing the best he could for her. There was no other option, or she’d be taken away from him, her deadbeat daddy without a candle to hold to her uncle, her _mega-millions uncle_. He’s already in hot water as it is, what with her being kidnapped and all. Once Kuchiki had heard about it, he’d almost taken her back right then. If he started slacking on top of it, he had no doubt he’d be sued out of his joint-custody in a heartbeat.

“Ikkaku, I need to work,” he said wearily.

“How many jobs do you have right now?” Ikkaku wouldn’t relent in his scolding, because that’s what this was. It was, and Ikkaku was his big brother, whether they acknowledged these things or not. He might not do it like Yumichika did, but it was still scolding. “Two, three?”

“Two,” he muttered.

After glancing behind him to see that Ichika had run off somewhere, cheery and excited as always to be at her onii-sans’ house, Ikkaku grit out, “Dude, I’m not fucking around, you need to start dating again.”

“Why can't I just be on my own, huh? What's wrong with being a single dad?”

“You're clearly lonely is what's wrong with it. You want love in your life, you've always been like that.”

Renji groaned. “C’mon man, don’t do this.”

“I mean it.” Renji sighed through his nose and wouldn’t look at him, wouldn’t accept what he was saying - maybe because if he did, his heart would break under the weight of its own loneliness. “You’ve got no life of your own,” Ikkaku insisted quietly, giving him a hard look, jaw set.

“....” Renji sagged, not wanting to admit to it. “It’s hard right now,” he said finally, looking away.

“You keep saying that.”

"But it is! It's a really bad time, with all this shit going on."

"Yeah, an' that's why you're overstressed. You have to take care of yourself too, kid." Ikkaku’d never been the comforting type, but he eased back somewhat, not quite so harsh as he told him, “You’ve oughta' go out and meet someone.” Renji hung his head, jaw stubbornly set, eyes sad. “You're still young. It ain’t right for you to be lonely like this.”

“I’ve got Ichika.”

“I mean for when you _don’t_ got Ichika,” Ikkaku spat, and there was the harshness again. "And what about when you have another problem like you just had, huh, almost losin' her? Ain't it better to go through that shit with someone else to lean on?"

“Whatever,” Renji brushed off, refusing to acknowledge that comment. “You can get off my case anyways. I’m meeting the guy who rescued her after my shift tonight.”

“You’re gonna’ see Ichi-nii-san?” Ichika chirped suddenly, and they both glanced to her. Renji shifted a little. Shit, he still sometimes forgot that she overheard everything, listening to the adult conversations happening above her head far too often.

“Hey, what’s the big idea calling him that?” he blustered, hoping she might forget the question she’d asked. She was still little enough that distracting her like that worked most of the time.

“He played lots of games with me while we were waiting for you ta’ come find me,” she told him. “An’ he beat up the bad man. He’s really good.” Seeming pleased with her own assessment, she blinked at them for a moment and then asked, “Are you gonna’ make friends with him, daddy?”

Ikkaku snorted. Renji ignored him.

“Yeah, I’m gonna’ try and say thank you.” He squatted down in the doorway, opening his arms to her, and big scary guy that he was, she came to him right away like always - he still couldn’t get over the miracle that was the trusting loving heart of a child. No one in his whole life has loved him like his daughter loves him, thought of him as a good man like she did. It made him strive to live up to that expectation.

“You listen to Ikkaku and keep away from Ryou. I mean it, he's not a puppy, he doesn't like to be touched by strangers. He's Ikkaku's pet, and you're not Ikkaku, so if you try and pet him, he's gonna' bite you real bad." She hung her head and nodded with her lip stuck out. "Please be good tonight, okay?” he murmured, mouth in her hair as she hugged him around his neck with her little arms.

“Yeah! An’ you be good too!” He laughed a little and kissed her goodbye, and she ran off to play with the box of toys that Ikkaku and Yumichika kept at their house for her and the other girl they watched, Yachiru.

“You’d better make more than friends,” Ikkaku said once she was out of earshot for sure. They both watch her this time to make sure she doesn’t sneak up on them again. Renji didn’t reply, watching her happily play with dolls and cars by herself - she’s seemed better in the last couple days, the trauma slowly healing. He hoped by the time she was grown up, this would just be a distant memory that caused her no pain to think on.

“I’m telling you, you’ve gotta’ put yourself out there more,” Ikkaku insisted when he didn’t say anything. “Stop making excuses.”

“Okay, okay,” he agreed, but it was mostly to get Ikkaku off his case. Ikkaku’s eyes narrowed immediately, honing in on his bullshit. Renji gulped.

    “You’d better not be bullshitting me right now. If you are, I’ll know.”

               “Fine, okay,” he agreed for real.

 

He rode the train to work, holding a strap in one hand and his phone in the other. He messaged Rukia. After giving her an update on Ichika and how her recovery was going, he asked:   ‘What do you think about me starting to date again’

 _‘I think what took you so long,’_ she answered back not long after.

‘Idk. it’s been hard.’

Honestly, he wished Rukia would just come back to Japan. He missed her so much. Apart from the part of him that desperately missed her and her company and the comfort he took from having her around, he wondered if having her back might ease this lonely knot inside him that wished for someone to love him, someone he could love. Ikkaku was right really. He had Ichika, but a child's love wasn't the same as having a lover.

 

_'Why, have you met someone?'_

  
            'Sort of.    i just meant, do you think that’d be okay? Like… with the other thing.’

                 ‘don’t worry so much about what nii-san thinks.’

 _‘I have to,’_ he thought, gritting his teeth. He never thought about anything else. It all came back to that man and how he controlled this family.

 _‘Try ‘soul society!’ I hear it’s really great,’_ she recommended, probably in an effort to ignore his pointed nonresponse to her mention of her brother.

He smiled a little. Even though he’d expected her encouragement anyways, it still warmed him down to his toes.      
  
  
‘alright thanks rukia.’

 _‘Support and good luck!!_ U｡･ㅅ･｡U   ‘

      He smiled all the way then. Bunnies. Always bunnies.      ‘Thanks. Love you.’  


With the rest of the time he had on the train, he made a profile on the chat sight she’d recommended. He didn’t expect to spend much time on there, but it might get his brothers - _ahem, parents -_ and sister off his back for a while. Yumichika could be far more overbearing than Ikkaku was at times, and he didn’t want to know the harassment he’d have to endure if he caught wind of this. Rukia and Ikkaku were already bad enough.  

He made himself a simple profile, chose a chat name - _‘ rxd_hxwler_ _’_ \- and browsed the internet for an icon photo, figuring that although he’d get more hits if he posted a picture of himself, or his abs, or his dick, he shouldn’t. He’s a father, after all, and what he does now reflects on the honor of his family! He can’t screw around like he’s just a kid anymore!

_  
‘Hmmm… A howler monkey or a gibbon? … Or a baboon. . . An orangutan?’_

  
To be honest, he’d like to put a picture of a Nue; he felt that was closest to who he felt he was, but pictures of Nue could be off-putting and scary, so. . .    Ahh, so many choices. He’ll come back to that later.

He moved onto the box where he was meant to describe himself. When he was finished, he scanned his profile briefly.

 _‘PROFILE: Twenty-eight years old. 188 cm, redhead, lonely and looking for love. Single father of one.'_  

After that, he closed out of the app. He’d check back in tonight after he got Ichika home, if he wasn’t too exhausted after his shift and his meeting with Ichigo, the child-rescuing cutie.

By the time work was done and he went out to the bar, it was late - but Ichigo was there. He’d shown up.

When he walked up to the bar and caught his eye, he started to think that this may have been a mistake, especially after Ichigo greeted him with this smile like he didn’t know what smiling was. It reminded him of the picture he had in his wallet honestly, Ichika’s school photo where she just showed her teeth, the corners of her mouth hardly lifted.

It wasn’t the pretty smile she did when she was playing and having fun, or screaming in happiness when he came home from work or picked her up from school, but he loved that picture, melted each time he looked at it - and Ichigo, this smile is like that, and Renji felt that same feeling, looking at it.

    “You’re here,” Ichigo greeted, and the smile crinkled a little more, and despite the grimace his mouth was making, it was a real smile after all - it was all there in his eyes.

         Yeah, this was definitely a mistake.


	4. Chapter 4

It wasn’t until after he and Ichigo were already out on the date for some time - wasn’t until after he’d updated Ichigo on how Ichika was doing that Renji realized how dumb he’s been.

Lovestruck and sentimental as usual, speared on Cupid’s arrow with a bad case of hero-swoon syndrome, he’d gotten too hopeful too quickly. He liked to think he was this tough surly guy, but even more so since he’d had Ichika, he was softhearted. And he’d been incredibly, monumentally dumb.

In his excitement, Renji had completely forgotten that Ichigo had mentioned a baby son. He was having a baby, meaning of course, he’d been with a woman quite recently - might _still_ be with her. He was almost certainly married, or at least had a girlfriend. There was no ring on his finger, but he must at least have some sort of steady girlfriend, and if not that, then he was recently separated, _very recently._

      He’d been a fucking idiot… A baby son…

Renji tried not to look too disappointed. He couldn’t help but think about it then, almost mournfully, _‘Kid’s cute.’_    And brave, and he had this fiery streak and a bit of a temper, but he had a kind face, a kind heart.

He got a real smile then when Ichigo showed the ultrasound photos from his wallet, showing off his boy that was coming soon. Renji smiled back, genuine in it, but he was sad too. For a little while he’d thought, in this far off sense, that. . .

Shit, that crap he’d put in his profile earlier… It was true, wasn’t it. He had Ichika, sure, but it was true that he was lonely. He’s been really lonely for a long time now. 

Just when he'd dragged himself out of his slump to try and start dating again, he had to go and set his sights on an unavailable guy. What a fucking fool. 

“Oh,” he said when Ichigo proudly showed him the pictures and pointed at where the baby’s head is and his feet and hands. “Congratulations,” Renji tells him, and he means it, but he mourns then, mourns and _aches_ when he thinks about what could have been.

“Not much longer now,” Ichigo says, practically vibrating with excitement, lingering on the photos before folding his wallet back up. Renji smiled, remembering being a new father himself. It was the single greatest and simultaneously the scariest thing to ever happen to him, having this little person, fresh and moldable, for him to take care of and teach and nurture - this little thing that _needed_ him for everything, that loved him despite his flaws. Such a responsibility, such a rewarding and exhausting thing, to be a father, something he still felt he wasn't fully prepared for, something he still felt he wasn't qualified to do.

He hadn’t been ready at the time, hadn’t planned for her, but he wouldn’t change things, looking back, wouldn’t wish she hadn’t been born despite all the familial struggles of sending her back and forth and fighting with her uncle. He wouldn't take it back, in spite of all his sacrifices.

     “You’re lucky though,” Ichigo said with a sigh. Renji blinked out of his thoughts after a second, frowning at him, passing his beer glass from hand to hand.

         “Why?”

“You get to be with her all the time,” Ichigo said, still smiling, but it became self-pitying and wrenched. Renji frowned deeper, mulling those words over for a second, because that was a weird thing to say, wasn't it? What did that even mean?

“When I’m not working, yeah. An’ when she’s not with her mom,” he said slowly, not seeing what Ichigo was getting at.

     “Yeah, but you still get to be there.”    Was Ichigo saying that it wasn't the same for him? He's not going to get to be in his own kid's life?

“. . . Won’t you?” he wondered, catching on. Ichigo and the mother must not be together anymore. “You don’t have custody rights or something?” Renji knew all about that. His own custody rights were very hard fought, and _hard won,_ damnit.

“Well no,” Ichigo sighed flippantly. “I mean, I’m not gonna’ be a legal parent.” Renji had no idea how that could be.   "... You'll probably think it's weird, but I don't really count as his real dad because..."

Renji stared, eyes boggling as Ichigo explained that he was actually only a surrogate father to the baby, since some dear friends of his had been together a long time and had wanted a child - and couldn’t adopt in Japan. He was a very close friend and they’d come to him, asking him about it, and he’d well, _contributed_ \- through a clinic of course, Ichigo assured, getting a bit flustered during that part of the explanation.

He tried to wrap his head around it. Renji couldn’t imagine doing something like that with people he knew. It’d be too weird for him, but maybe it was the right way for other people, so he didn’t turn his nose up at the idea. Still, he thinks his brain might be a little fried. That was the last thing he’d expected...

      “. . . You think it’s freaky, right? You think I’m. . .”  Ichigo swallowed and looked away when Renji just sat in incredulous silence.

“Oh," he breathed, shaking his head numbly. "No, I’m just wondering how I would handle that sort of thing. I can’t imagine any of my friends asking for that kind of favor.”

Ichigo’s face was soft then, these sad brown eyes of his gazing off as a small smile came over his face. “I know it sounds weird to an outsider, but when it came to it, when they came to me and asked me about it. . . it wasn’t weird. I don’t know how to explain it, but it wasn’t.” He looked Renji in the eye, absolutely heartfelt. “It was touching… the way they decided to include me like that.”

“Have they?” Renji wondered. “I thought you said you weren’t very involved - y’know, that you won’t get to be there.”

“Hmm… Well, I don't want to push in.” Ichigo shrugged noncommitally, fidgeting with his glass and seeming altogether unhappy. “I’ve gone to watch her get one of her ultrasounds.”

“Yeah?”

Ichigo talked about going to the doctor with his friends and seeing the baby move around, and the unhappiness faded the more he talked about it. He told the story as though it were an experience no one else had ever gone through, as though no one else in the world had felt that gut-swooping sensation of joy and dread and excitement, seeing this little thing wriggling and knowing that was a new life that he’d helped to make. The glow in his eyes, it was as if no one else had ever felt that amazing feeling or was able to understand it.

  
     Renji smiled. He remembered. He’d felt exactly like that once.

"Sorry, I probably shouldn't have told you all of that. God, you probably think I'm a total freak. Sorry if I made things weird." Ichigo seemed sheepish then, looking away and taking a swallow of his drink, as if realizing that being a soon-to-be surrogate father wasn't something to blab on on the first date if you wanted there to be another date.

Maybe it made Renji weird, but he felt fascinated. He's never had an interaction like this with any potential partner before; he'd always had the typical 'what do you do?' conversation at first, and it seemed dull by comparison now. "No, it's okay. It's okay. I know what you mean." 

“I wish…” Ichigo’s expression soured then, and he planted an elbow on the bartop. “Ugh, I feel a little jealous sometimes,” he admitted, only loud enough to barely be heard. “Because… I know he’s not gonna’ be mine, but I like…" He gestured rather helplessly, with no small amount of frustration.  "I can’t stop thinking about him.”

Renji felt for him, he really did. He knew how it was like to be lonely for someone you knew you could never have. He felt that way every time Ichika went over to be with her mom and uncle for the few months around the holidays.

   “You have anyone else in your life?” he asked, because he’s always been a masochist.

  
“Nah, I’m single anyways,” Ichigo supplied helpfully, which shorted out the rest of Renji’s thoroughly fried braincells. Seeming completely oblivious to why Renji had asked - which, _who didn’t understand what that question meant? -_ Ichigo went on with a snort, “My friend’s trying to get me out of the house so it won’t hit me so hard once he’s born, y’know, so I won’t be alone, but…”

Renji just stared at him, speechless.

  
“But it’s just… it’s hard,” Ichigo finished, voice quiet, expression sad and tired. Renji kept staring, feeling strangely as though he were looking into a mirror.

“I keep forgetting that he’s not, y’know, _mine_. They’re gonna’ be his moms and I’m not his dad, but shit, I’m… I’m excited,” Ichigo admitted, squirming around a little, a smile slipping over his face again.

 _‘Be still my heart,’_ Renji thought, mind carefully blank.

  
“So no kids really, no girlfriend?” he pried a little more, hearing his own voice come out from between his lips, sounding surprisingly normal.

    “Nah, my cats don’t count probably, huh?” Ichigo joked.

       “Cats, how many?” Renji wondered, feeling dazed.

Ichigo smiled, seeming almost a little bashful then as he rubbed the back of his neck with a laugh. “Uh, however many show up on any given night. I just kinda’ put tuna out and leave my window open.”

He just kept staring - and the arrows from before were stuck, they are never coming out.  Ichigo grinned a little bit more, even beginning to laugh at his stunned expression, and there was the real smile.

     And Renji is lost.


	5. Chapter 5

    Last night had been fun for sure.

Ichigo thought he’d made a nice new friend. Renji was actually pretty cool, completely unlike their rather strange first meeting had let him to believe, but could he blame the guy for being a little frantic at the time?

He told cheesy jokes, had a nice smile, and they had the same sense of humor - most of all, he hadn’t judged Ichigo when he’d told him about how he was going to become a pseudo-father. He'd been really nice about it, hadn't treated Ichigo like he was stupid, or worse, freakish somehow, for the decision. Ichigo definitely had a crush on him, but he was being realistic about it. After all, it wasn't like Renji was available, was he. Of course not - such a good-hearted handsome man like that already had other things going for him.

He had no illusions that that was to be their only meeting. Renji was only taking him out to say thank you and Ichigo doubted they'd ever be able to hang out again anyway, even if they'd wanted to, what with Renji having his kid to think about and all. Maybe Renji’s girlfriend, or whatever lady was in his life had been watching Ichika last night so they could meet and drink. Ichigo hadn’t thought to ask. Maybe he was a little afraid of what he might find out. He already knew that nothing was going to happen between them, so there was no need to hear it said and rub salt in the wound.    

  
   Thinking about that took his mood back to that stagnant lonely place.  
 

Ichigo checked his profile on Soul Society, but still nothing. It probably would be better to put a picture up and some more personal information. Feeling miserable, he talked with Rukia on the phone for awhile and asked,  _once again,_ if she could come any time soon for a visit, but no luck; she only visited seasonally, and he knew that, but he still asked anyways. He knows that their lives are far different now than what they’d been when he’d been in highschool. She’s got a kid that she has joint custody of, and lives with Byakuya, that shitlord, in Beijing in a goddamn  _mansion._ Ichigo hasn’t seen the kid in person since she’d been born - tiny, pink-faced, dark hair, just as he’d expect.

He knew that Rukia posted pictures of her daughter a lot on social media, and when she'd been small, she'd used to send him photos all the time of her in cute baby clothes and bunny outfits, but lately, to avoid causing him pain, she'd stopped. He was glad she had, because he had to admit, every time he saw a baby on the train, a kid playing in the street, it did sting a little, when he thought of that little boy.

When they talked that afternoon, she seemed stressed out for some reason. Apparently something was going on with her kid at the moment, but Ichigo didn’t ask what. _‘Hm, that’s funny,’_   he thought suddenly. _‘Her daughter’s name is Ichika too.’  
_

Now that he thought about it, Renji’s kid kind of looked like Rukia a little. That really was kind of weird.  


    A little while after getting off the phone with Rukia, he got a call from Tatsuki, asking him to come over for awhile. He did, and ended up accompanying Orihime to the grocery store and shopping for baby clothes with her, standing at her side while she got emotional over all the little clothes - _and trying to hide the fact that he was too_. When they went back home and put the groceries away, they baked.

Strangely enough, Orihime made _normal food_ to satisfy her cravings, so at least for the next few months, eating her cooking would be safe. She and Ichigo sat at the counter and frosted cookies, and he tried his best not to stare at her belly too openly.

She offered to let him feel when she saw him, but he refused awkwardly, embarrassed at being caught goggling at her.  “Are you sure, Kurosaki-kun?”  He grit his teeth and wanted to tell her to stop calling him that, _don’t call him that_ when they’re technically having a kid together, when he’s technically impregnated her, but he doesn’t, he just ground his teeth together.

“I’m sure.”  He felt, strangely, like he wasn’t allowed to say yes - as if it was something he couldn’t be a part of, something he shouldn’t be included in. He'd agreed to help them out but it didn't mean he got to push in and be selfish.

Orihime seemed to realize he was upset somehow, and flapped her hands nervously, sweating. “Well, if you’re sure…” He gave a gentle smile then, softening his jaw, and she relaxed, beaming.

That time, he didn’t know why, but after the cookies were done and they sat and ate them and watched daytime television on the couch - after she’d convinced him to stop doing housework for her and sit down - she placed her hand to her stomach and Ichigo looked over.

Before he knew what he was doing, he’d slowly reached out. When she turned her head towards him, he froze, hesitating, but she smiled and moved her hand away. He swallowed, and timidly touched her front.

Her belly was firmer than he expected, _very_ firm, tight like a drum, and warm. He felt for a long time, just resting his hand there, until she said softly, “He’s over here.”

He moved his hand to where she pointed and imagined that he felt something, after a moment - he must've been psyching himself out, because he thought he felt a little flutter on his palm. He sighed, eyebrows pushing together, heart _melting,_ and then he promptly jumped, startled badly when he felt a sharp bump against his hand. He flinched back. “Whoa,” he finally said. “Whoa.”

Orihime laughed.

“Was that him? Was, was that him?” Ichigo wondered, flustered, feeling strangely exhilarated. She nodded, still laughing, a hand to her mouth. “Whoa, he kicks hard,” he mumbled, somehow proud.

She laughed some more. “I think he likes the sugar,” she said, happily munching another cookie. Ichigo half-shrugged, laughing back, this surprised little noise escaping from out of him. A little one really was alive inside of there, slowly growing.

  
    This whole situation had been a little weird in the beginning. I mean, she was having his baby…

He knew now that she had loved him once, so the request had been odd, but when they’d asked him, it hadn’t been ridiculous or odd at all. It’d been strange, going to the clinic together and _providing the materials_ and such, and then waiting outside while Orihime went through her procedure, and then the ensuing weeks where they waited to see if it had worked… It had been surreal to slowly watch her belly swell over time and not be able to share in that joy when she announced that it was a success, they were having a baby - Tatsuki seizing her and spinning her in her arms…

In the end, he thinks he’s happy for them. He might even be a little envious, sitting next to her on the sofa now. He can still feel that kick to his hand tingling away at his palm.     

    Almost like he was being kicked out of the picture.

 

       Rukia was right. He really did need to get his own life. It’d make the transition smoother.

 

    That night when he went home, he checked his phone again and sighed when he saw he had no new messages. He hadn’t expected anything, but it still stung in that moment. It was for the best this way, he supposed. No matter how much he’d liked the guy he’d met, he shouldn’t depend on him as an option, for anything.

He got back on his laptop, entered the Soul Society chatroom, and made himself an icon image of a skull and updated his profile.

 _‘There,’_ he thought. _‘Come what may.’_     Maybe he’d even meet someone nice he could actually be with - even someone half as handsome as that Renji guy.


	6. Chapter 6

   After the not-date with the cute blonde, Renji felt fit to burst with excitement.

He knew it was too early to be really serious, but he was still _bursting_ with that feeling of liking someone new and knowing that, maybe, it might be possible that he had a chance. The guy was single and awesome and liked kids and animals and had saved his Ichika, and he’s cute, _damn,_ he’s cute.

Renji wanted to see him again and get to know him better.

He knew it wasn’t exactly a good idea, especially considering he’s already in hot water at home and ought not to push it, but Renji’s never been able to stop his heart. He’s always been a romantic, and in the past few years, he’d forgotten how it felt just starting out, to like someone.

He had this half-assed plan worked out in his head to sweep off the dust and work his charms on Ichigo, to win him over, him and his fluffy head and his shy smile and his weirdly sour attitude.

Renji got another call from Rukia about the whole kidnapping situation. She’d been checking in frequently, which was better than her brother checking in. Renji was in pretty serious trouble over this actually.

Rukia didn’t blame him at all after he’d explained what happened to Ichika, she hadn’t cried, hadn’t been scared, because by the time he'd been able to tell her, it all had already been over, Ichika had already been home and safe - but apparently Kuchiki had gotten wind of it and wasn’t happy about this at all. He wanted Ichika to come back and stay with them early, wanted to take her back.

Renji felt sick with panic at the idea and was trying to work Rukia down, because the thought of Ichika going away early tears him up. He only gets her around half of the time, maybe a little less, and when she was home, he didn’t see her much because he was working so hard. Renji didn’t know what he was going to do if the only thing keeping him going was just taken away. He knows Kuchiki’s been waiting for ages to find an excuse to challenge his custody rights and erase him from Ichika’s life. The thought of losing her makes him so fucking scared that he feels like throwing up, breaking down in tears.

It was bad enough having Rukia so far away from him, and now Ichika would be gone too - so he begged and begged, not caring about degrading himself in front of her, as long as he didn’t have to do it to Kuchiki. He might even do that, if it meant he’d get to keep his girl with him.

“She’s not having bad dreams anymore,” Renji insisted. “She’s okay, I swear. She’s not traumatized, she doesn’t need to go. She doesn’t need to go.” He said it to her over and over, pleading and begging that she could stay.

He seemed to get through to her, because she told him she was still talking to her brother, trying to reason with him, and that it seemed to be working. He breathed a sigh of relief at that, but when he got off the phone with her, he felt suddenly disappointed - because even though keeping his baby home with him was priority, it sort of sucked that this meant that plan he’d had half-baked in his mind of getting involved with Ichigo, it was out the question now.

Renji was excited enough about Ichigo and everything, but with a sad sense of resignation, he felt that even though Ichika’s kidnapping had allowed them to meet, it was a sort of bad timing, because it also meant that they couldn’t be together - _couldn’t,_ or Renji risked losing her, and he just couldn’t do that. It might be better not to get involved with anyone just now, not to put even a toe out of line. He should be focusing fully on Ichika and working hard to take care of her - being a good father worth his salt. Maybe then, maybe then she wouldn’t be taken away from him.   

Still, it filled him with regret, the same sense of regret he’d felt when he’d thought Ichigo was unavailable. He thought about what could have been, and he felt sad, felt so incredibly lonesome.

 

     Besides the times he dropped his girl off with them, Renji and Ichika went over to Ikkaku and Yumichika’s house at least once a week - so they could feed him and Ichika dinner and talk and whatnot.

They’ve got their other niece, Yachiru, over at the same time that night, which meant Yumichika and Ichika and Yachiru were doing some sort of activity together while he and Ikkaku watched the game and drank and relaxed. It was a good thing his drink was empty - he’s afraid to drink to excess now that he’s a dad, so he’s always strict with himself, only one beer - because he nearly nodded off right there on the couch, exhausted.

"Can I see Ryou?" Ichika chirped, bouncing over to pester Ikkaku a little. 

"Hmmmmm," Ikkaku pretended to consider, looking to Renji as though he wasn't considering it for a goddamn second.

"Never you mind," Renji muttered to her, "Go play."

"Awww. But he's cute!" She pushed her lip out and frowned sadly. Ikkaku grimaced. Renji sighed through his nose. The puppy-eyes never had worked on that guy. A man among men, truly. 

No, he gave in to Ichika's whims entirely to irritate Renji, which it certainly did.

"He's eatin' some lettuce. You can go peek at him for a second if you want," Ikkaku conceded, giving her a wink then, "if I can trust you." That did the trick. She straightened up with determination, nodding and then bolting down the hallway and opening Ryou's door a crack, peeking inside. Renji grumbled under his breath.

Watching her go with narrowed eyes, Yumichika put his hands on his hips and shot them a look. Renji looked at Ikkaku too, raising an eyebrow. Ikkaku snorted, unconcerned.

"Are you letting her near that bad-tempered komodo dragon again?" Yumichika scolded.

"She can handle it," he waved off.

Renji groaned, rubbing his eyes with the pads of his fingers. It took him a second to realize Ikkaku had asked him something, but he woke up with a snort when Ikkaku kicked him in the leg. “Hm?” Renji mumbled, and then looked away, scratching his nose when Ikkaku brought up Ichigo again.

Judging from how Yumichika hadn’t mentioned anything of the sort, Renji knew Ikkaku hadn't said anything to him - _yet,_ that is.  Renji’d had hopes that Ikkaku would’ve forgotten about it too, but with the way he’d been badgering him about finding someone for so long, he should have figured he wouldn’t let it go so easily.

  
     “I said, how’d things go,” Ikkaku demanded.  
  
“Alright,” was all Renji said, because they _had_ gone alright. It’s just that it wasn’t going to go anywhere. He’s kind of sore about it actually, so when Ikkaku kept prodding, he twisted his mouth in a petulant frown.

“You met the guy?”

“Yeah,” he said shortly. He knew where this was going, but he knew there was no stopping it, not if he didn’t want Yumichika to catch wind of it too.

“How’s he like,” Ikkaku pressed bluntly, staring him down.

“Look, I dunno’,” Renji sighed, trying to look as much as he could like he didn’t want to have this conversation.

“He’s met your kid.”

“Yes.”

“So?”

Renji was quiet for a long time. He knew that Ikkaku and Yumichika both were behind him, Rukia too, in wanting him to find someone, and now that Ikkaku knew about Ichigo having saved Ichika, he probably had the wrong idea - probably was going to tell him that now that he’d found someone who could be trusted with his daughter, he should pursue relentlessly.

“Yeah, but…” He sighed, rubbing his eyes wearily. “I dunno’, I don’t think I’m gonna’ see him again.”

Thinking about it now, it felt like even less of a good idea, which was saddening, because he had such a crush on the kid. He just couldn’t risk it though. Kuchiki was already ticked with him and thought he didn’t have the maturity to keep track of Ichika, thought he wasn’t a capable father. The guy was so rich, all he needed was an excuse and he’d take everything he loved away from him in court before he could blink. If he started dating again… well, how could he say he was making Ichika his first priority?

“Why not? You liked him, didn’t you?” If only it were that simple.

 “Well yeah, but…”

   “What.”

      “Ichika,” he mumbled almost defensively. Ikkaku gave him a long hard stare.

  “I’m not gonna’ listen to you use your daughter as an excuse to be alone,” Ikkaku said flatly, his expression accepting no bullshit.  
 

Renji gave a long sigh. “Well, no, I mean… I can’t waste time like that when I should be working.” Ikkaku sucked his teeth as if to scold him, and Renji tried to explain. “Kuchiki-san already doesn’t like that she’s with me part of the year.” Grumbling to himself, he bit out, “Probably thinks she’s living with roaches.”

Without sympathy or pity, Ikkaku dismissed his excuses.  “You can’t spend all your time worrying he’s gonna’ not like something you’re doing.” Renji set his jaw, refusing to respond. “You’re gonna’ let him unman you?” Ikkaku accused, trying to get under his skin. “You’re her father, not him.”

  “I know.” Renji let out a long breath through his nose. “But… it’s just hard.”

“Daddy!” Ichika peeped at him, coming around the side of the couch. Renji brightened up, smiling at her.  
  
“What-ee?”

“Can you fix my pony?” She showed him her lopsided hair, the beaded rubber-band hanging loose.

“I told you, I could do it,” Yumichika scolded.

“Daddy has to,” Ichika insisted stubbornly, wiggling in close to him between his knees so he could reach the back of her head. Renji prized the tie out carefully and took her hair in his hand, scooping it up in his fist.

“High or in the middle?”

“High up!” She tried to point at the crown of her head, and Renji stroked it up there, just a tiny bit lower. “Make it pointy so we match.”

“Heh,” Renji laughed, pulling the sides gently once he tied her hair up, so that it would puff out. He threw his arms around her, caging her and biting at her neck to tickle her. She shrieked and laughed and writhed around and then ran away after he kissed her cheek. He sat and smiled for a couple seconds, watching her go - she’d cheered him right up, little angel.

     “You’re crazy,” Ikkaku noted, shaking his head, after watching him sit there and smile for a few seconds.

    “Why, for having kids?”

Ikkaku ignored that comment, even though Renji knew that’s what he’d meant. “I told you, go spend time to yourself. You look about to fall down dead.”

“Look, that’s what it is,” Renji said, resigned. “I don’t have as much time to myself anymore.”

 _“Yeah._ ” Ikkaku gave him a sarcastic look. “That’s why I think you’re an idiot.” Leaning back on the sofa, he rolled his eyes and flippantly said, “I mean, _I_ don’t have kids. Me an’ Yumichika went to Italy for a _month_ last year and only needed to get a lizard sitter.”

“Don’t you ever think Yumichika might want kids?” Renji muttered skeptically, not appreciating his attitude - maybe even a little jealous of the way he bragged about his freedom.

  “No.”

  
    ‘No, you don’t think about it or no, Yumichika doesn’t want…?’

Renji sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Well maybe it’s not how I would have wanted it to happen, but she’s here now, and I love her. That’s what happens when you’re a parent: you give up things.”

   “Exactly. Your life sucks now.”

       “It doesn’t suck,” he grit out.

                “But it’s harder.”

“Yeah.” Renji gave him a weird look, finding Ikkaku staring at him with an undecipherable expression. “Yeah, it’s harder.”

“Just see what happens. If you’ve got more’n one thing to keep you going, that’s a net good,” Ikkaku told him. “That way you might not mope so damn much the months she’s gone,” he grumbled, turning back to the game, feet rudely splayed on the coffee table, but careful not to jostle the centerpiece.

    “I’m gonna’ think about her whether or not I have a-” Renji cut himself off, _“someone.”_

“You already know he cares about kids, right? So just see.” Ikkaku would not let it goddamn drop. Renji knew if he relented he might pay for it badly later, but he just didn’t want to be harangued anymore. “We’ll be here to watch her. And if not him, then someone else. But the point is, you have to try.”

    “I damn well-”

  
     “Ikkakuji!” Ichika called cheerily from where she was mushing playdoh on a mat with Yachiru next to her and Yumichika supervising nearby. “Aren’t you gonna’ come play with me?”

Ikkaku got up with a few old man grumbles to show his reluctance, and Renji smirked smugly, grinning widely in response to the glare Ikkaku gave him. “I mean it,” was the last thing he said to him, and Renji’s grin faded once he was out of sight.

Renji put his chin in his palm, watching the TV for a few more minutes, but was lost in thought. At last he decided, okay fine. He’s always been a risktaker, whether he paid for it or not. Even what seemed like a life-altering consequence at the time - _like his daughter -_ could turn out to be the best thing to ever happen to him.

Well that was that, then. Kuchiki Byakuya could snob all he wanted. The common man had a heart and soul, and had needs - and no matter how much he looked down his nose at Renji with all his money and disapproval, no matter how he takes away his pride, takes Rukia, takes his little girl, he will never take his heart.

As much as this should open him up to pursuing that kid he liked, Ichigo, he still felt as though there were obstacles, even unseen ones. It’s been a week and the kid hasn’t messaged him since they met, and who knows, even though Ichika had seemed to get along well with Ichigo, bringing him into her life, even down the road if they found out they clicked together, it might bring up bad memories for her, might bring it all back.

He’d still keep trying with him, but it was better to have options. Like Ikkaku had said, _‘if not him, then someone else. The point is that you try.’_ Not that Renji would let him know he was actually taking his advice on this.

Renji got on his phone and opened up that chat app. He hasn’t gotten any hits yet, but that’s probably because he hasn’t spent any time on the site really, hasn’t tried to talk to anyone. He idly scrolled through some profiles, listening to the cheery racket going on behind him of his friends playing with the little girls.

Most of the profiles had a photograph of some cutie in the frame. He saw several different profiles with the same picture, probably spam accounts with the same icon, and of course there were the obligatory profiles with nothing but pictures of dicks.

He found one though, as he was browsing, that had him stop for a while. There wasn’t even a picture of a face or anything, but the description was so pathetic and forced that the personality came through clearly.

  
    ‘23 years old, blonde, in shape, i guess.   I’m employed and live alone. I’ve been down lately and need to get out of the house, so it’d be nice to meet someone. Cool with just making friends but open to something more serious too.   I like to jog in my free time. My favorite foods are chocolate and spicy mentaiko, but not together. Fav color is pink. I also like kaiju films. So yeah.’  
  
      And that was all.

  
              That sounded… _charming,_ actually.

  
Renji let his thumb hover over the buttons next to the icon, the add friend, message, and read more buttons that were clicked when you’d selected a potential partner, but he then grimaced and scrolled past.

When nothing better turned up, mostly spam profiles and others that held wild exaggerations, Renji found himself scrolling back up quite a ways, trying to find the one he’d paused on before. This person sounded real at least. And look at that, the date of profile creation was only a few days ago.

  
   ‘Hollow-souru, huh?’

Renji decided fuck it, had to start somewhere. Clicking the chat feature, he typed out a message.

_‘hey. what’s with the skull?’  
_

  
That night when he took Ichika home and got her ready for bed, supervised her brushing her teeth and then braided her hair for her, read her a book and tucked her in, he still hadn’t gotten a reply yet.

Once he got into bed himself, he couldn’t help but feel sort of down - because as worried as he was about the possibility of Ichika being taken away if he started seeing someone, he still couldn’t get that kid out of his head, fluffy hair and all.

    He decided to text Ichigo too the next morning. He’d deal with the trouble it might cause later. He’s always been a sucker for love like that.


	7. Chapter 7

   Ichigo woke up on Saturday morning to a notification on his phone.  


At first he didn’t know what was going on, because he didn’t recognize the site or the app at all, but then realized it was the first time that he’d gotten a hit on his Soul Society profile. Someone called   _rxd_hxwler_ had messaged him.

Laying on his side in bed, he clicked it and checked the guy’s message and then the profile. Who the hell is this fool?  


   No avatar, huh? Wait…

  
Ichigo refreshed, and a photo of a gibbon appeared in the icon box. The guy was online right now, then. “Hey,” he read aloud, “What’s with the skull?...”  


     He messaged back after a few moments of deliberation.      _‘Idk.’_  


He meant to go back and look at the profile a little more, but once he did, his screen was blocked partially from the top with another notification. _‘rxd_hxwler is typing…’_

Moving back to the chat, he watched as a message appeared. _‘and your username. Kinda dark. Like, are you an emo or something?’_  


  Ichigo frowned sourly.       _‘Mind your own business, monkey dude.’_  


_‘Hey, step off, i love monkeys.’       ‘And gibbons. Although those are apes actually.’_  


_‘Okay?’_  


_‘Dude it’s early as balls, what are you doing up right now’_  


_‘ idk why are you up.’_  


_‘Work.’_  


_‘On a saturday’_  


_‘Yep.’_  


Ichigo snorted. He turned off his phone not long after and made breakfast for himself, a rare occurrence. Usually he just grabbed a yogurt or an energy bar and crammed it down once he got to work. He felt up to making something for once: rice and eggs.

   He thought about his late night with that Renji guy last Friday.

He hadn’t known what to expect exactly when he’d gone there, and for a while he’d sat in the bar by himself, thinking Renji might’ve stood him up or something, but then he’d showed.

When they’d talked, he’d kind of opened up more than he’d thought he would. He didn’t know why he’d told Renji everything he had, but he’d ended up talking about his whole… _situation,_ what with having a son on the way, _kind of,_ but not really. Maybe he’d wanted to gauge Renji’s reaction, see what kind of person he was - if he was an asshole or not.

Well, he was, kind of, but not about that. Renji hadn’t judged him for that at all, despite seeming to not exactly understand it. He was an asshole more in a loveable sense, in that he teased too much, was hotheaded and loud-mouthed. He’d been easy to get along with, and Ichigo had opened right up.

It hadn’t been until the end that he’d realized that the meeting had been kind of like a date. . . but not - _but kind of._       Ichigo wasn’t good at telling when people liked him, but he thought Renji might have liked him - but he’s not _sure._ He thinks he might like Renji a little bit too...

He knew he shouldn’t get involved with someone who had a kid and a wife, not that he really thought he had much of a chance with a guy like Renji anyways. It was just a mess, but just like the situation surrounding his son, he can’t stop what he feels.

They’d exchanged numbers, which should give him some hope, but Renji had never messaged him after that. He’d only called once to set up the meeting at the bar, and then nothing. It’s been over a week since he’d helped Ichika and all that, besides.

    In any case, he’s not getting his hopes up.  


After completing some chores and errands around town, Ichigo went back to his apartment after work. When he checked his phone, he’d received a text from Renji. There were some notifications from Soul Society too, but he didn’t pay attention to that, because _Renji had texted him._

  He felt numb as he read it, fingertips prickling.

_‘Hey, sorry if this is kind of forward, but i’ll just be honest here. I wanna’ see you again. Like, if you’ve got other stuff going on or you don’t feel the same way, that’s okay. But just so we’re straight, you’re pretty cool Ichigo.’_

 

 Ichigo stared at it for a long time. . . Renji had sent this?  


He felt this fluttering warmth inside. This must mean Renji really _had_ liked him. _‘Fuck,’_ he thought, slowly typing out a reply. The timestamp was only from a few hours ago.

 _‘This is all kind of fast,’_ he sent. Renji must’ve had his phone on his person, because he answered back really quickly.

 _‘yeah i get that. Sorry. Didn’t mean to come on so strong.’_ Ichigo stared at the screen. He still couldn’t quite believe that this was his life. Was this the next crazy thing to happen to him? He had no idea how he’d charmed someone like Renji - he certainly hadn’t been trying. It was a total accident!

_‘I hope this doesn’t make things weird. I didn’t mean to like, be creepy. I hope we can still hang out.’_

_‘No. No. I was just surprised,’_ Ichigo replied, his mouth involuntarily twisting up in a shaky smile.   _‘let’s get to know each other better.’_

 _‘Shit. great. Yes.’_ Ichigo smiled wider.

_‘I know you’ve got a daughter to think about and you know my life’s about to change too.’_

_‘Yeah.’_

_‘But i’m feeling like a change lately.’      ‘so let’s see what happens.’_

_‘sweet.’_

 

And this must’ve been what Rukia meant - this incredibly warm _full_ feeling. It eased some of the pain.

 

Maybe it was the void Ichigo felt knowing his life was about to change, but not _his_ life. His baby son was going to come, but really, he’s not his son, is he. He’s Orihime and Tatsuki’s boy. As much as he might feel like he’s becoming a father, he’s not, _he’s not,_ he has to keep telling himself that.

He wasn’t supposed to get this emotionally invested, he hadn’t expected he would - _it hadn’t been part of the plan_ \- he’d thought all he’d have to do was _'contribute'_ and they wouldn’t include him further. It had been surreal seeing Orihime slowly grow and change, knowing she was expecting a baby. It had felt strangely impersonal, hadn’t felt like his own life, but when they’d invited him to the ultrasound and he’d seen that little wriggling black dot, everything had changed after that somehow.

Rukia was right about needing a distraction. It’ll be weird once the little guy comes, it’ll be weird knowing he’s out there in the world without being able to be involved at all or see him much.

Ichigo was only twenty-three, way too young to be a dad, but it’s still weird to think about. No matter how many times he tells himself he’s not becoming a father, he’s always going to have this itch in the back of his mind, bugging him and telling him he should be there, won’t he.

It’s probably good that he’d met Renji. That way the void wouldn’t feel so gaping, so lonely once it opened up. It wouldn’t be long now.

Sure, Renji already had Ichika to think about, but Ichigo assumed now that he must be single if he was trying to get involved with him. If Renji wanted to put in that much effort to balance work, fatherhood, and a relationship, it’s not Ichigo’s business.

Still, when he thinks of Renji and his girl, he can’t help but feel envious when he thinks of that little baby.

 

He spent the evening in bed with his laptop, moping. Sighing sadly, Ichigo decided to check in on that jackass from before. He checked his chat with _rxd_hwxler,_ but he hadn’t said anything since then.  Ichigo stared at the screen rather sourly for a few seconds, tapping his fingers, annoyed.  


_._ . . Ahh, it’s no good, he feels like shit and he just wants to fuck with someone.  
  


_‘you like gibbons and you work on weekends, no wonder you’re lonely.  You’re a loser.’_  


    He sent the message and then, in a bitter sort of way, felt a little less shitty. It only took a few seconds of staring proudly at what he’d wrote for the green bubble to appear telling him _rxd_hxwler_ was online. Squirming in anticipation, he waited anxiously for a reply, wanting desperately to blow off some steam.

 _‘C’mon, you bastard, type faster,’_ Ichigo grumbled inwardly, perking up when the message finally came through.

     _‘Dude, what the fuck. What’s wrong with gibbons.’_

Taking a perverse pleasure from being salty, Ichigo continued being a total ass just for the sake of it.        _‘they all look like sad homeless aliens with their floppy arms and their sad fucking faces.’_

  _‘gibbons are a precious gift this world.’_ The dead serious tone of the message didn’t stop him at all. In fact, it just made him more determined. He felt thoroughly miserable - and fucking lonely as hell.

_‘fuck that gift then.’_

_‘Whoa, why are you being such a dick’_

_‘You clicked on the emo skull profile, you get what you ask for,’_ Ichigo typed out petulantly. He didn’t know why. Part of him knew it was counterproductive to be a jerk to somebody he was trying to make friends with, it was counterproductive to drive them away. Maybe he was trying to prove something to himself.

_‘ok wow. Here i thought I found a cute blonde who likes chocolate and pink.’_

Ichigo stared at that for a lot longer than was necessary, not able to work through the mishmash of feelings boiling inside him.

_‘Are you fucking making fun of me, mr.‘lonely and looking for love.’ Like, who fucking types that.’_

_‘Shut up, I didn’t plan to actually use this site for anything.’_

_‘says the guy who actually gets hits on his profile, like wow, how does that sob story routine work on people.’_

_‘Sob story?!’_    Ichigo took a pause then, wondering if he might have gone too far and really ticked the guy off. God, what is he doing? He should be in a better mood. He had an actual chance with Renji and he should be happy about it, but instead, he felt upset, felt hopeless.

 _‘Look i’m not here cause I want to be, okay? My senpai made me,’_ the guy tells him.

_‘My friend made me too but you don’t see me half-assing it.’_

_‘well kind of, dude.  You didn’t even put a fucking picture of yourself, like, what, are you ugly or something?’_ Ichigo should've expected him to push back at some point, but all the same, he felt irrationally upset.

 _‘okay you know what, you can fuck right off.’_ He should just close his laptop or block the guy, but… he didn’t. He sat there and waited for a reply, his mood getting darker and damper with each passing minute. _Rxd_hxwler_ didn’t go offline, but he didn’t answer back.

He did after a full ten minutes, _finally,_ and Ichigo puffed his cheeks up indignantly. The nerve of this guy!!    _‘Hey hollow-souru why are you so hollow and sour? Are you a lemon peel?’_

Never mind that whatever joke he was trying to make wasn’t even funny, Ichigo got so flustered and enraged, he just stabbed at the keyboard and steamed from the ears. _‘HOLLOW SOUL, you idiot, can’t you read english?’_

_‘no not really. Sour puss.’_

“Rgh!” Ichigo burst. A second later, he was sent a picture of a lemon and a skull, and his anger fled in an instant, making way to a pathetic confused laugh. This guy was definitely a dad. It was the only explanation for the dumb jokes.

 _‘You are an entire cheese,’_ Ichigo told him.

He was annoyed and indignant, but he was also smiling, and he actually felt a little cheered up. A little.

_‘  :)))  ‘_

 

_‘    |:| ‘_

 


	8. Chapter 8

  Renji took Ichigo out at the next opportunity - and now that he’d established his intentions, everything was great.  
  


Ichigo blushed and looked away all shyly if Renji so much as openly smiled at him and met his eyes too boldly. The kid totally liked him back and it gave Renji a disproportionate thrill. It was great even to sit across a table from him in a cafe and tease him. Despite the kid’s hot temper, now that it was out in the open that they liked each other and were trying to get to know each other, to see if they wanted to take things further, Ichigo grew easily flustered. He'd get mad if Renji were to point it out, but he was shy, so damn shy.

Renji went slow. It was half because, in becoming a father, he’d forgotten how much he’d changed since his younger _free_ years. He’d really gotten around when he’d been a young man, so much so that he’d honestly be surprised if Ichika was the only red-headed kid with a loud mouth running around out in the world.

But that was the past. Now it had been a while since those days and he’d forgotten how to play the game and be smooth. That had always been his best skill, making friends and getting people to like him, and Ichigo, god, he wanted Ichigo to like him. He wanted this to work out, _so much._ He didn’t want to mess this up. So he goes slow. Really slow.

Ichigo seemed new to this too - Renji had to assume so, what with how he was so hesitant and quick to blush - so they didn’t rush. They followed Ichigo’s suggestion of getting to know each other, and spent a lot of time talking, chatting aimlessly and bickering back and forth.  It was no use trying to calm himself down; the more they talked, the more Renji liked him.

They’d only hung out like once or twice so far since he’d confessed to liking him and being interested in something more, but he really did like Ichigo. Renji wasn’t used to going this slowly, but it was nice. He thinks he’ll try touching Ichigo’s hand soon, maybe after a couple more dates.

Renji found himself in a better mood than he’d been in a long time. He and Ichigo just _clicked._ It honestly reminded him of how well he and Rukia got along - it just made _sense._

The only thing keeping him from going all in with complete reckless abandon was his responsibility, the one he couldn’t forget. He couldn’t just make dates with Ichigo whenever he wanted to, no matter how much he thought about him when they were apart, no matter how much he wanted to spend time with him. He had Ichika to think about, and no matter how much Ikkaku has pressured him to do this kind of thing and to feel free to leave her at their place so he could get some social time and try to start dating again, Renji felt incredibly guilty doing that too often, because she was his responsibility. He knew that if Byakuya had suspicions that he wasn’t taking fatherhood seriously and wasn’t watching her on his own and wasn’t spending all his free time working to give her a better life, he’d snatch her back like _that._

All of that meant Renji had only been able to arrange things like twice so far where he’s picked Ichika up from school and taken her to Yumichika and Ikkaku’s place and then gone to meet Ichigo.

He wasn’t poor exactly, but he felt like he was with how hard he worked and how carefully he tried to save money. He was terrified that something might come up - some unforseen expense or an emergency - and he’d have Ichika taken away because he didn’t have as much money as Kuchiki does. He knew that was a battle he’ll never win, he knows that, but all the same, he and Ichigo don’t go on very expensive dates. Maybe Renji will try saving up for that down the road, but for now, it’s MOS burger in the park.

Ichigo seemed cool with it at least, and didn’t look at him like he was a cheap-ass or some broke loser, didn’t seem irritated that all his grown-ass date could do for him was take him for fast food. Ichigo seemed to enjoy himself anywhere they were, didn’t mind ‘as long as they got to hang out,’ and it warmed Renji’s heart, made him think this really might work out between them.

Ichigo sipped his drink, his young face glowing in the sun as he lounged on his side of the picnic bench, legs up across the long seat. They ate their burgers and chilled out in the sun and shit, enjoying the light breeze.

Renji listened and munched on his food as Ichigo picked around with his fries and talked about his best friend and what not. “Dude, I miss her so much, like… I dunno’,” he muttered, looking away. “I don’t wanna’ sound pathetic or whatever, but I’ve gone through some hard shit and gotten really sad before and, bla-bla-blah, and she just…” A smile came across Ichigo’s face and Renji just listened, pleased with the way Ichigo opened up to him so easily, told him personal things.  
  


   “She kind of got me out of those dark times. And it’s hard not to see her anymore.”  
  


“Yeah?” Renji acknowledged, more to show he was paying attention than to interject.  
  


“Yeah, just... “ Ichigo took a couple breaths as he lost what he was trying to say. “Rukia’s like…”  
  


   “Wait,” Renji said suddenly, brows clenching, “Rukia?”      _‘No way. No fucking way.’_  
  


“Yeah,” Ichigo said mildly, making to go on with what he was saying. Renji just kept staring at him incredulously.  
  


    “Her name’s Rukia?”  
  


“Yeah.” Ichigo frowned. “She’s kinda’ short and she draws bunnies a lot and punches and hugs me.” Renji stared openmouthed, feeling excited, his heart beginning to pound. It had to be a sign. It had to mean something.

_‘No waaaay.’_

“Dude, that’s my kid’s mom.”  
  


Ichigo stared for a couple seconds, and then frowned. “Shit,” he suddenly said, recognition flashing over his face. “That’s why Ichika looked so familiar! I mean, I knew Rukia’s kid’s name was Ichika, but I just thought it was a coincidence that they looked alike. I feel kinda' dumb now.”

“Dude, that is so weird.” Renji still couldn’t quite wrap his brain around a coincidence this large. “She’s been my best friend for like my whole life. . . Well, most of it,” he muttered.

“No, she’s my best friend,” Ichigo argued, the competitive flare in his eye that made Renji smile and push back in challenge.

“I knew her first.”

“I knew her second.”

“Yeah, well I love her more.”

“So what, she loves me more.”

Renji stuck his lip out, damn kid, playing dirty!  “Rukia’s my reason to live,” he tried, determined not to back down.

“She’s the reason I’m alive.” Renji slammed his fist on the table, a little irritated.

“Stop trying to one up me, will you?!” He got enough of that from Kuchiki.  

“Dude, just admit it, she likes me better,” Ichigo teased, “Like, what, it’s not like you guys are even still-” The joke left his tone immediately and his smirk dropped. “Shit,” he whispered, seeming aghast with himself. He grit his teeth and looked down at his lap. “Sorry. That was low.”

“No, you’re right,” Renji muttered, grimacing. He put his elbow on the table, taking a half-hearted bite of one of his last burgers. “Like, we didn’t have a fight or anything, if you’re wondering. It’s just…” He didn’t try to explain his relationship with Rukia often because it always got weird looks, and Ichigo was watching intently now. In that moment of hesitation, he thought of how openly Ichigo had shared his own life situation with him, told him about being a sperm donor for his friends, opened himself up to criticism and judgment. The least he could do was show the same trust.

“Look, we were apart for ages, and well… I didn’t feel good enough to be her friend anymore for a _long time,_ and when I finally was able to talk to her again, I just… I dunno’, I’d missed her so badly for so long that I think we just went insane. It was finally just me an’ her, together, just like when we were kids, except we weren’t kids anymore, and…” Renji cringed, because it was hard to explain, it never came out right, never properly explained what he felt for Rukia. It always sounded weird out loud.

“When I think back on it now, it seems wrong. It was… _a mistake._ ” He sighed through his nose, not meeting Ichigo’s eyes even though he can feel him looking at him. “But it was too late at that point for it to just be a mistake, y’know. It only took that one time.”

   “Oh,” Ichigo said softly.

Renji gave a smile and this little laugh. “Yeah, next thing I knew, we’ve got this little baby, me an’ her. Yeah...” He smiled a little more, bitterly this time. “And her brother, who’s basically the reason we grew apart in the first place - Rukia’s with him right now. And yeah.”

Ichigo was quiet for a long time, and when Renji at last met his eyes tentatively, Ichigo sucked in a breath, as if trying to think what to say to him. At last he told him, “Well, at least you don’t have to fight me for her too.” Renji snorted and just shook his head at him, smiling. The kid knew just how to make him feel better. Here he’d thought he might’ve fucked things up between him, and that’s all he has to say.

“Yeah,” he said, then sighed, stretching. “Yeah. I mean, we talk a lot. I love her, man. I call her every day.”

“She calls _me_ every day! Eat a dick!” Ichigo said triumphantly, way too agressive about it.

“Whoa, okay, haha,” Renji laughed, then gave a grumpy huff. “Actually, I’m in deep trouble right now, so…”

He told Ichigo then how he’d told Rukia about the kidnapping and how Kuchiki had reacted badly. Ichigo made him feel a little better, being righteously angry on his behalf at all the right parts and calling Byakuya by his first name in a way that Renji couldn’t and saying he was a dick.

He told him that Kuchiki wanted to take Ichika away, has been trying to since the beginning. He and Rukia had never been married, the extent of their sexual relationship having been one night, but they had a very close bond, and had actually only been separated very recently. Rukia had gone back to live with her brother, so now their shared custody meant that Ichika was shuttled back and forth. It was complicated. He worked a lot and life was hard.

“So… thanks for your patience,” Renji concluded under his breath. Ichigo hummed a little bit. He had this look on his face like he was lost in thoughts, like he had questions he didn’t know how to phrase right.

“Like… I know I told you that me and Rukia weren’t ever really… _like that_ after that one time,” Renji rambled a little more, trying to make Ichigo understand. “Like, I love her, she’s my favorite person in the world, but you know… and I know this is gross to say because we have a kid together, but she’s like my sister.” He grimaced. “I’ve known her since I was really little. I’ll never love anyone again like I love her.” He figured honesty was the only way to go here.

“But I mean, we didn’t actually separate until like last year,” he sighed. “It’s been a hard adjustment, because she’s gone back to live with him in his goddamn mansion and work at his firm and whatnot,” he growled bitterly. “We’ve got divided custody, so.” He shrugged. “When Ichika goes over there, it’s just me.”

And he knew this soul-crushing emptiness came over his face just thinking about it, heard the way his own voice dried up and went small near the end there, but he couldn’t stop it. Couldn’t control the way his heart filled with loneliness, gaping open for something to fill the void, heal the hurt.

“Mm,” was all Ichigo said, and his expression was tense, sympathetic. Renji’s glad he was listening to his woes at least.

“...” He put a hand to his forehead. He didn’t know what he was going to do. “God, I just love her so much, I don’t think I can take it if he takes Ichika away from me,” he murmured. Ichigo looked sad and thoughtful at that, but had no words of comfort.

    Somehow, he felt comforted anyway despite his silence.

  


                   Renji’s been messaging _hollow-souru_ at least once a day.  
  


Ichigo hasn’t been able to meet up with him or even text much lately, so he tried not to bug him. He didn’t find out till later what it was really about.

He knew he didn’t shut up about his daughter, constantly bringing her up and proudly bragging about her to Ichigo at any opportunity - can you blame him, she’s his whole world. Ichigo however, hasn’t mentioned the baby boy he was expecting to come even once during the dates they’ve had, and Renji didn’t ask.

He didn’t know if the kid was due soon. Maybe he even figured it had perhaps already been born and Ichigo just hadn’t mentioned it. He knew Ichigo wasn’t going to be very involved in the kid’s life, considering he was just a donor, but he’d seemed so excited that first time when he’d shown him those ultrasound pictures. He’s been tightlipped since then.

His questions get answered later, but in the meantime, he talked with _hollow-souru_ a lot to keep from missing Ichigo, to keep from texting him and bothering him during this busy time in his life. It had been a couple weeks since he’d seen Ichigo, and by the time they were able to meet again, Renji had forgotten all about that whole thing for a while - so when _it_ finally happened, it came as a surprise.

The next few times he met Ichigo for a date, Ichigo was distracted, his mind seeming elsewhere. Renji was a little discouraged seeing that Ichigo’s heart just wasn’t in it. Things went on in that way for a few more weeks, and then one afternoon they were out and about after looking at some street-art exhibit and then went to eat subs in the park.

They sat together in the grass, and Renji was thinking to himself how to cheer Ichigo up, how to get his mind off whatever was distracting him, how to get his attention. Just as he was going to say something, suddenly Ichigo set his sandwich down when he received a call. He quickly picked up, and promptly turned white. Renji’s jaw slackened in alarm.     “I have to-” Breathless, Ichigo blurted out, “Shit, I have to go!”

   “What?” Renji demanded nervously, “What happened?”

“It’s time! He’s gonna’ come out!” And Renji suddenly understood. He didn’t know why he’d somehow imagined that this day would never come, that Ichigo wouldn’t mention his baby again, and now that it was here…

“I-!” Ichigo stopped, having scrambled to his feet and whipped around to stare at him, wide-eyed. He looked excited, but not happy exactly, instead seeming as though he might vomit or faint, pale and clammy all over. An involuntary laugh came from between his lips, one that came out in moments of terror. He just stared at Renji, as though not knowing what to do, as if he felt he couldn’t go, couldn’t leave him there.

    “Hurry,” Renji prompted firmly. “Don’t miss it.”

And Ichigo’s eyes burned into his for a second, and then he bolted, and was gone, and Renji was alone on the lawn, left feeling as though that was the last afternoon when Ichigo’d been truly his, when he’d truly had a chance with him. It felt like he’d just dashed out of his life, because the life they’d had together for those couple weeks, slowly getting to know each other, that life wouldn’t be the same now. Couldn’t be ever again.  
  


     When Renji wandered home, he couldn’t help but feel a little bit sad.  
  


Just like he’d told Ikkaku that he shouldn’t have time for anything outside of taking care of Ichika, he shouldn’t expect that Ichigo would either.  It was for the best that he leave him alone now, really. Ichigo had a newborn.

Renji didn’t realize how much he’d been thinking about Ichigo all the time, how much it had been filling his brain, this inevitable end, because not seeing him for a while, having him distant for the past few weeks, at his side but looking through him and not at him, his mind in the clouds, Renji felt lonely all over again, felt like he’d lost a chance for something really amazing.

 

     He tried messaging his buddy _hollow-souru,_ but got no response.


	9. Chapter 9

Renji didn’t hear from Ichigo for almost two days. He figured that by now the kid was out and Ichigo was just too hyped up and busy to think about anything else, but Renji still worried a little bit. He even texted him: _‘Did everything go okay?’_

   When he replied some time later, all he sent was a numb,   _‘oh my god.’_

     _‘what’_

 _‘I don’t know what to do.’       ‘ renji he’s beautiful. I love him so much.’_  
  


Renji smiled a little. As sad and emotionally confused as he felt, he couldn’t help but feel happy for him. He remembered that feeling, when Ichika had been born, the first time he’d seen her - little bloody thing, her little wails, her little legs and arms wriggling, the feeling of pride seeing them snip her free and wash the blood off. He and Rukia just stared at her, holding hands tightly as she finished going through labor with the afterbirth. They really had made a little person, hadn’t they. It was surreal, looking at the little flailing, crying, naked creature in the plastic bassinet as the doctors took her vitals and measured her and pricked her heel.

  _A girl, a baby girl, all their own._

When she’d been wrapped up and brought over to them, and they held her together, it’s the first time Renji’s ever felt such purpose. He’s always had a big heart, but he’d never known it could physically contain that much love and happiness and pride. If Ichigo was feeling even a quarter of what he’d felt that day, there was nothing to do but be glad for him.

 

     He went over to his parents’ place to stew. Ichika was playing around on the floor  and Renji was sitting on the couch watching her, feeling a little glum.  “Whatsa’ matter,” Ikkaku pestered. Renji shrugged gloomily. “Last time I’ve seen you, you were all _up_ an’ shit about that kid you’ve been seeing.”

“Mm,” Renji muttered. “I dunno’ if I told you, but he had a baby on the way.” Realizing he probably shouldn’t get into this, he amended awkwardly, “Kind of.”

     “... Kind of? The fuck does that mean.”

Squirming uncomfortably, Renji realized that he really needed to talk about this with somebody, even Ikkaku, who's been on his ass over this whole thing since the beginning. Without Rukia, Ichigo, or his online buddy to vent to, he felt strangely miserable bottling up all this.

“He was like… a donor.”

“Okay?”

Renji winced. “And he knew the people he donated to. They’re like his close friends.”

     “Okayyyy? What the fuck.”

“I know, whatever, whatever,” Renji brushed off, holding a hand out as if to make Ikkaku suspend his disbelief. Ikkaku did, and that was when Renji burst, spilling the beans. “But like… The kid finally came, and like… I dunno’, I feel like I just woke up out of a dream.” Trailing off, he frowned sadly, sinking back into the couch.

“I’ve been stupid… Damn, I never pick ‘em right, do I. They’re always out of reach or unavailable or in love with someone else.”

“It’s cause you’re a romantic,” Ikkaku said bluntly. Renji groaned. Why was this such a mess.

“It’s only been like two days and I miss him. I know I’ve gotta’ move on and leave him alone. It’s just gonna’ make everything complicated if I keep trying and I _know_ that.” He leaned back into the couch and put his arm over his eyes. “I just wish I could stop feeling like this,” he mumbled.

“Not everyone gets it right the first time. Or the second.”

“Yeah thanks,” Renji droned. Ikkaku really sucked at being comforting sometimes. “Ugh. Maybe you were right and I should just try online dating. I mean, I met a couple people, but like… I haven’t seem them in person.”

Ikkaku looked away then, which he always did when he was about to admit he was wrong. “It mighta’ been a mistake when I said you should start dating again. Maybe you really aren’t ready, I dunno’. But if you’re looking to just relieve some stress, I’d say try Grindr a few times.”

“Mm,” Renji mumbled, moving his head onto his upper arm and leaning on the side of the couch. It felt wrong. Not the using Grindr to hook up so much, but using it now, when he was feeling all… weird and sad. It felt like he was letting himself down, or giving up on finding a real emotional connection, which was what he really truly wanted.

Ikkaku grunted back at him, gave a dissatisfied scowl, and walked off to get a beer - and to coax his iguana off the top of the fridge before Yumichika got home and saw.

Renji sighed, moving to the kitchen table and moping around, watching Ichika play with her Hello Kitty dolls and toy dinos. Opening the Soul Society app on his phone, he looked to see if he had any messages, but there was still no response from his buddy, _hollow-souru._  
  


_‘. . .’_     
  


Clicking the app store, Renji loaded up the Grindr app and made a profile real quick, then started scrolling for guys near him.   _‘Pink-Chicken?’_

“What the hell kind of name is that,” he muttered, then opened the pictures. . . . _Whoa._ That was a nice dick.

  
    “Daddy?”  
  


Renji nearly dropped his phone in his hurry to turn off the screen, and then groaned, throwing his head down into his folded arms. Why was his life so goddamn messed up? He was going to be lonely forever.  
  


    “What, sweetie?” he mumbled into his elbows.  
  


 “Ichi-nii-san had a baby?”  
  


_‘Ah geez,’_ Renji thought, remembering his daughter’s sensitive ears and the way she honed in on anything to do with babies and potential playmates. He lifted his head a little, rolling to the side to peek his face out, finding her at eye-level with the edge of the table. She reached out her little hands to hold his face and head, her warm gummy fingers and palms pressing into his cheek and forehead as she tried to get his attention.

  “Daddy?”

“Oh. Uh, yeah honey, uhhh…” He didn’t quite know how to explain this to her, wasn’t exactly glad that she had Ichigo on her mind again. It would’ve been easier if she’d just forget him, because it wasn’t looking like he’d be in their life anymore.  He sat up and turned towards her, opening up his arms to her. She comes and rests against his leg, an excited gleam in her eyes. “He has a couple friends who can’t have kids, so he helped them. They’ve got a little boy now,” he told her.

“Oh.” She seemed to think this over for a second. “Can I see the baby?”

“Well… no.” He scratched the back of his head. “I think we should give Ichigo some space now. He’s got a new family and… stuff to sort out,” he mumbled, unable to hide the disappointment in his own voice.

“When’s he gonna’ come back?” Ichika whined.

“I dunno’, baby,” Renji tried quietly, brows pushed together.

She reaches up as high as she can and squeezes his face in her hands again, turning his chin down towards her. “Daddy, are you sad?”

“I’m alright,” Renji assured, smiling, but he couldn’t make himself feel it. Not really. “We’ll just have to play lots of Ninja Hello Kitty to cheer me up.”

“Okay!” she chirped excitedly, brightening back up. He took her little hands in his, enclosing them in his completely, and stood up, lifting her by her arms and placing her feet on his. With a shriek of delight, she giggled excitedly as Renji slowly walked her back to her pile of toys and laid down on the floor with her, letting her tumble and romp on top of him while they played.

 

    He checked his phone again when she was distracted with her toys, closed the Grindr app and checked Soul Society again. Still nothing. Nothing from Ichigo either.

  Ichigo was off in outer space. Who even knew where _hollow-souru_ lived.

 _  
__Pink-Chicken_ was only ‘8 km away.’


	10. Chapter 10

    When Ichigo finally got home, he’d probably only had around two or three hours of sleep in the past few days, but still found he couldn’t go to sleep. He couldn’t even lay down, instead pacing his apartment and ran his hands through his hair.  
  


   He didn’t know what to do. He… he hadn’t expected he would feel like this afterwards.  
  


The hours he’d spent outside the hospital room, waiting anxiously while Orihime gave birth, it had felt like they’d never end. When it had finally been over and she was cleaned up and rested and ready for visitors, Tatsuki had proudly shown him in, and he’d numbly followed.

His eyes darted to Orihime the second he came in, finding her lying exhausted in bed, her hair up in a messy bun and her face flushed. It’s been a few hours since the birth now. She’d been cleaned up and given fresh sheets and her face had been wiped, but she still seemed out of breath, the stuffing knocked out of her. Ichigo’s eyes frantically dart over the bed, searching, what would it look like, what was he looking for...

From one moment to the next, when his eyes landed on and recognized that tiny little baby bundled up on her chest, this electric jolt shot through his heart and startled him. There he was, fuck, _there he was, the little boy!_

He couldn’t feel his legs, felt numb from the neck down, didn’t even know how he’d made the slow tentative steps towards the bed. He cautiously tried to peer at the baby, get a good look at him - fuck, he’s trembling all over, can’t even breathe right, his heart’s pounding so hard.

“Say hi to baby Kazui, Kurosaki-kun,” Orihime murmured sleepily, but Ichigo just gazed openly at the little one tucked against her bosom, holding stock still like any movement or sound might harm that fragile newborn, might disturb him.

Nothing could have prepared him for this feeling. When Ichigo saw him, when Tatsuki had lifted him up and then offered him out to Ichigo - once they’d situated him in a chair and he’d gingerly put his arms out to accept him and held the warm weight in his arms and looked at his little face, cradled the sleeping baby…

       It was like everything changed.  
  


How could he have ever thought that his life could go on in the same way? Even a few days before, how could he have thought he could remain emotionally unaffected?

How could he not feel anything holding him in his arms, seeing his little fluffy blonde head peeking out of the blanket - _he's got his hair, this was_ _his boy -_ his gently closed eyes, his tightly balled fists, his flesh still so pink and flushed. He was _so, so small and fragile,_ little Kazui, his baby son…

     “He’s so perfect,” he breathed.

Ichigo loved him so much, he hadn’t wanted to let go of him.  
  


Even coming home now, he felt like he had to go back, had to be back there with that little boy, hold him, take care of him, never let anything happen to him. He didn’t want to be just another stranger making well-wishes to the happy parents and admiring the baby.

And Orihime and Tatsuki _were_ both happy moms, glowing and holding their boy together, both exhausted but overjoyed, and Ichigo felt…

     He felt achingly jealous. And _sad._ Like an outsider.

He didn’t know what to do now. What could he do now that he knew that little boy was out there somewhere, but won’t be part of his life? He was part of the baby’s namesake, sure, but that didn’t mean he got to be there, didn’t mean he was _anybody_ to that little boy.  
  


Ichigo at last threw himself onto his bed, facedown, head in his pillow, gut knotted up tight.  
  


He shouldn’t have done this. He’d gotten emotionally compromised. This is what Rukia had meant. He’d been dumb to think everything would go on the way it had, he’d been stupid to think life wouldn’t change for him, that he could just help them and stay out of it. It’s too late to change it now, far too late, and because of it, he’s going to hurt like this for the rest of his life.

  
  Damnit.  
  


_‘Damnit, damnit, damnit,’_ he thought, throat tight with tears.  
  


“Kazui,” he muttered to himself, opening his phone and looking at the few pictures he had of him again, the ones he’d managed to take with shaky hands when he hadn’t been holding him to his chest like the most precious treasure in the entire goddamn world.

He pressed his lips together hard, swallowing with effort, blinking and blinking and _hurting._ “Kazui,” he whispered, the cracked breath breaking the silence as he let his finger run on the little round cheek shown on his phone screen until he couldn’t see, eyes filled up with tears.

He hadn’t expected to get so emotional. He hadn’t thought it would be this hard - hadn’t known it would hurt like this.

When the picture went dim after the thirty seconds of inactivity, he called Rukia. He didn’t say much. She knew about what had happened obviously, had probably seen the social media announcements from Orihime and Tatsuki, maybe even gotten a call from them too.

She must know that he was crying, or was close enough, and instead, she chattered soothingly in his ear about the estate finances and dusting her daughter’s room up so it’d be fresh and nice for summer break when she came.

“Rukia,” he croaked at last, and she stopped. However much the pain in his throat had eased from her efforts at comforting him, it came back full force then, and there were the tears in his voice, on his face.

“I don’t think I can live if I don’t get to see him anymore,” he confessed, and god, he’s a mess, his voice cracking with sobs despite the way he tried to breathe through it and keep calm. “I mean… he’s gonna’ grow, and I don’t get to be there, to…”

The thought made him frantic. If he missed that, if he didn’t get to be there to watch Kazui change and grow, if he didn’t get to soak in every second of that little baby getting slowly larger and developing a personality, his first laugh, his first words… Ichigo didn’t know how he could live without his heart laying dead and heavy in his chest.

“I feel like I should be there. I wanna’ see him smile for the first time and laugh an’ eat his baby food, and…” He sniffed hard, gasping, “How do I make myself believe that he’s not mine? How do I stop… stop…”

She didn’t have anything to say to him. He hadn’t thought she would. She was a mom. She might know a little bit of how he was feeling right now but that didn’t mean she had an answer. He gave a wretched laugh then.

“It’s stupid, really. You know how ridiculous people think a young couple is if they say they fell in true love at first sight? . . . So… so how can I love something so much that’s only existed for a day?...”

He tried to reason with himself, because he knew rationally that he was only feeling this way because of chemical sabotage in a person’s brain, survival mechanisms that tried to ensure parents would take care of their babies and keep them safe from the lions. He knew this was what it came from, but that didn’t make it any easier. His brain thought he was a father, and didn’t care about the way he tried to logic his way out of it, wouldn’t let him stop feeling like he’d lost something precious.

“I don’t know what kind of person he’s gonna’ be or anything about him. He’s only been born for such a little while, and I only held him for I dunno’ how long.” He sniffed again, wiping his wet face. “So why do I feel like this.”

He gripped his phone. Why, why, why. Why can’t he stop feeling like this, why can’t he be there, why can’t he have the baby, see the baby, why can’t he be the dad he knows, _knows_ he is but has tried to tell himself he isn’t supposed to be, isn’t allowed to be. Why does he have to go through this pain? It wasn’t right that a person should feel this lonely, this desperately sad.

“It’s not fair,” he whispered. “What do I do. Tell me what to do,” he begged, the tears rising up through his throat and his sinuses and burning them as he tried not to break down weeping.

He kept his breaths steady. It doesn’t count as crying if the tears leak out on their own. If he sobs, if his breaths break and he starts to heave with grief, he’s lost, because then he had to admit it was over.

Rukia sighed in his ear. “This is hard,” she said, and her voice is sad for him, tense. “I know if I tell you to butt in, you won’t. I know that you can’t.”

“It wouldn’t be right,” he said, and felt his heart harden, felt some door, some _hope_ slam shut inside him. As much as he might want to turn around now at the last minute and tell his friends he did want to be the father after all, did want to be involved, please, _please_ could he possibly be allowed to see the boy, be somebody to him-    He can’t do that to them, can’t take away that joy from them.

    “But you can ask to visit,” Rukia said firmly. “You can ask to babysit maybe.”

Ichigo sniffed, and despite the thousand things screaming in the back of his mind that it wasn’t possible, that it couldn’t work, the hope weasels out of him and up into his mouth. “Will they let me?” he said in this tiny vulnerable voice.

“You can ask,” she repeated. “And in the meanwhile, try to distract yourself. That’s all you can do.”

“I can’t,” he whispered brokenly. “How can I.” How could she expect him to think about anything else.

“I told you what to do beforehand. Didn’t you meet anybody, Ichigo?” she wondered in disappointment, as if hurt to hear him so pathetic, feeling helpless to make him feel better.

“Yeah…” He sniffed, wiping his nose, trying to get a grip and pull himself together. “Yeah. You know I’ve met Renji.”

“Yes.”

“And some people online too.”

“Okay. So talk to Renji. He’s a dad too and he doesn’t get to see Ichika all the time either. He’ll know exactly how you’re feeling.”

Somehow, despite how much Renji had in fact taken his mind off his worries in the past weeks, despite how much he’d liked him and how close they’d gotten, Ichigo didn’t think he could face him again, didn't want to see him.

“But… Renji, I don’t wanna’ bother him anymore,” Ichigo said, his voice going cold as he shut down. “He’s got his own stuff going on.”

“He really likes you, Ichigo,” Rukia tried, seeming disappointed but resigned to the tone of his voice.

“Really?” Ichigo didn’t even bother sounding like he believed it. “I dunno’.”

“He likes you a lot,” she repeated, insistent. “If you don’t feel the same and are thinking of cutting contact, at least don’t be cruel about it please. He has a soft heart.”

   Ichigo’s lip lifts a tiny bit as a laugh escapes through his stuffed-up nose. “Heh.”

Maybe that’s why this hurt so much. His whole life was all about things he’d lost that he should’ve had until he was a much older man, things that could’ve been. It’s just another loss.

Loss of a parent who should’ve been with him far into adulthood, loss of a child who he should’ve never said goodbye to until he himself passed on, loss of a man who could’ve been his lover one day.      And for a guy who loses everything, all that’s left at the end of the day is him.  
  


      Only him and nothing else.

  
  


Once he’d cleaned himself up and washed his face and made himself eat and tried to sleep, he got a message from _rxd_hxwler._ For a few seconds, he didn’t feel in the mood to talk to anyone else, but then found he desperately wanted to escape this shithole of a life for a while and talk to somebody who didn’t know him, had never met him

_‘Hey, where do you live? Just asking.’  
_

He blinks his red sore eyes and typed out, _‘west tokyo.’  
_

The green online bubble popped up almost right after he sent it. Ichigo watched the other guy type and reply.   _‘Dude what… no way.’_

 _‘What?’_ he pecked out slowly, one-handed and pitiful from gloominess. It was really hard to care about anything, to get excited about or interested in anything when he felt this down.

_‘Me too.’_

_‘Oh. cool.’_

_‘Hey, you alright?’_

_‘been better honestly.’_ For a few seconds he grit his teeth hard, knowing that any moment now the guy would message back asking what was wrong, asking him to share, but strangely, he didn’t, and the tension and frustration building in his gut that was about to snap suddenly dissipated in a rush.

 _‘aw  sorry bud. You can tell me about it if you want but you don’t have to.    Actually, you mind if I vent for awhile too?’_ Ichigo stared at it for a while, his thumbs already having been poised to type out a scathing reply of _‘I don’t want to FUCKING talk about it, mind your own FUCKING business.’_

Not having expected that kind of response, he numbly typed, _‘fine,’_ some of the anguish, some of the bottled up pain of helplessness and loss and indecision easing inside him.  
  


_‘s o there’s this guy right, and i thought we were doing alright but now we’re not.’_  
  


Relationship problems. It seemed like such a trivial stupid thing right now when he was going through what felt like the worst time in his life, letting go of that baby and the man he liked at the same time.     Ichigo actually found it in him to tease a little flatly, _‘huh? I thought i’m the one you like, i’m offended.’_

_‘Oh haha. i meant like, in real life.’_

_‘Okay, so what then. He’s giving you the cold shoulder?’_

_‘Yeah. i mean… like… he’s a new father, so.’_

_‘oh.’_

There you go, he was thinking about Kazui again. Every time he stopped thinking about him for a second, and he was brought back to it somehow.

    _‘yeah  i get that it’s hard and i feel guilty for taking his time up and whatever but.  idk, i got myself into this. Maybe i should just leave him alone.’_

Ichigo swallowed. What if the guy didn’t want to be left alone? What if he just didn’t know how to cry for help?    _‘You think he feels the same about you?’_ he typed, and held his breath for the answer.

 _‘I thought he did.’_    

_‘Maybe try to meet someone else then.’_

_‘you wanna’ meet up?’_ The blatant flirtation actually drew a smile out of him, just a little one.

_‘Not up to it right now.’_

_‘Oh.’_

_‘Maybe someday though.’_

_‘You mean it?’_

_‘sure.’_    

 

Ichigo didn’t know why he didn’t vent to _rxd_hxwler,_ it would be so easy to bring it up, to tell him his woes, shout them into the void of an anonymous internet chatroom, tell them to a person who didn’t know him and who couldn’t tell anyone else. He should just tell him to get it off his chest.

He doesn’t though. He didn’t think he could get through talking about it without breaking down again.      Once was painful enough.

  
  


     In the following weeks, Ichigo was able to visit Orihime and Tatsuki’s house a couple times, just like he had in the previous months when Tatsuki was at work and didn’t want Orihime to be alone and asked Ichigo to go over and keep her company. Except it’s nothing like that at all, because it’s not just the two of them living there anymore. They have a baby, and the entire house has changed for that baby; their entire lives have changed.

Ichigo knew that Rukia must have talked to Tatsuki or something and asked on his behalf, because Ichigo hadn’t called them himself or anything, feeling like if he did, he’d be unable to stop himself from pathetically begging to come see Kazui again. Even if he didn’t, he knew he would be obvious anyways, it would show on his face that he just wanted to swallow that little boy whole.

But all the same, when Tatsuki invited him over, he couldn’t bring himself to decline, even though he knew this would just make things worse afterwards, would make it _hurt_ even more afterwards. He still goes over like a dog that keeps returning to a house it’s been turned away from repeatedly, because once long ago it had been fed there.

His excited nervousness was put into the pit of his stomach just thinking about going over there. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He should bring something when he went over, shouldn’t he. He’d never gotten them a baby shower gift. What should he buy?

   He settled on a little baby shirt with a cute picture of a sun with a face on it.

When he came up to the door of their cheery little house, he took a deep breath and then knocked. They let him in and welcomed him and fed him snacks, but Ichigo couldn’t think about anything other than that baby. His eyes scan the rooms, listen closely for any sign of him. Where was he?

He startled in his chair when he heard a little cry after about an hour at their place, catching up, trying to have a conversation without coming out and asking if he could see him. Ichigo held frozen still when Orihime went down the hallway and the crying stopped. When she came back, she was holding him in her arms, little baby Kazui in a yellow onesie with a pacifier in his mouth.

Ichigo stared and stared, enraptured and fascinated by him, his eyes not leaving him even as they got back to talking. Orihime offered Kazui out for him to hold a couple times, but Ichigo turned her down unhappily, somehow feeling as though he wasn’t allowed to touch him.

But he did watch him. He gazed at him and his little fluffy head and his face, his big beautiful eyes - _open this time! -_ the jerky motions of his arms and the little ruffs of his diaper peeking out from the leg-holes of his onesie. He’s so cute, he’s so precious, Ichigo can’t take his eyes off him.

Orihime, in as good a mood as ever, glowed, her cheery voice chattering away. She clearly loved being a mom, and Kazui, Ichigo loved him too, so much.

He wanted so much to reach out and take him, touch him, let his little fist wrap around his finger and squeeze, but he couldn’t, felt like he wasn’t allowed to in the same way he wouldn’t touch a baby on the train, wouldn’t pick up friendly toddlers in a theme park.

Tatsuki and Orihime urge him to stay for dinner, and Ichigo didn’t say no, watching as Orihime set Kazui down on a playmat on the living room floor. “Will you sit with him? Let us cook you dinner!” Ichigo stared, gaping at them, but Orihime ushered him over to Kazui’s side where he stopped short and looked after her helplessly when she scooted back and waved at him. “We’ll be right in the kitchen!”

Ichigo looked from the baby on the floor to the kitchen doorway. He could still see his friends from there. Kazui made a sudden noise, sucking at his pacifier aggressively, and Ichigo looked down at him for a few moments, then carefully squatted, getting down on the floor next to him.

He watched, fascinated, as the baby lay there awake and alert, his eyes blinking. Ichigo hasn’t seen him like this, still having imagined him as that sweet little bundle, asleep and swaddled in his arms, so perfect. This time Kazui seems much more real, less like a baby doll - it really hit him then that he was an alive little person.

His little legs and arms squirm and wiggle about aimlessly, and Ichigo glanced behind him at the kitchen where his two friends were making dinner together. Propped up on his elbows, he moved in close, heart starting to pound when Kazui’s big eyes focused on him for a few seconds, on his face.

With Kazui’s arms still moving about just a little, Ichigo feels one tiny hand brush on his chin on accident, and he moves back a little bit, looking behind him again guiltily when the baby began to make some little noises, coos and hums.

Very very gently, Ichigo let his hand rest on the top of Kazui’s soft head and rolled onto his side next to him. He tried to catch one of his wriggling hands and let Kazui latch onto his finger, feeling choked up once he did.

Kazui’s pacifier fell out of his mouth when he opened it up to make some more little noises, so young that he probably still didn’t know he was making them, probably still wasn’t in control of his own limbs and they way they kicked and waved absently. He crinkled his nose and made a couple little distressed huffs, but he didn’t cry.

“Mm… ah… ahh…”  

He couldn’t even turn his head to look at Ichigo really, but he must know he was there, because he kept wiggling and gripping his hand and kept kicking and making noise. Ichigo felt so happy it was like his heart was broken from it, seeing him gurgling away like that, and he puts his other hand out to touch his soft little tummy, feel his cheek, his fragile little limbs.

He felt like he should say something to him, but found that words wouldn’t come out. _‘Kazui, hey. I’m Ichigo, I’m your daddy.’_ He couldn’t, it stuck in his throat, and he settled for moving into view for Kazui, where he could easily see his face. Somehow he felt desperate that Kazui should know him, should recognize him.

Kazui focused on his face for another second or two and continued wiggling. Ichigo smiled involuntarily when his mouth opened and his tiny slobbery tongue pushed out. Ah, he’s amazing, look how far he’s come already from that little pink sleepy blob. He seemed so content.

Orihime walked in on him like that once dinner was ready and she came to announce it. Feeling as though he’d been caught doing something wrong, Ichigo sat up quickly, pulling away from Kazui and guiltily looked at the ground, aghast, ready to apologize and say he should’ve washed his hands, he shouldn’t have touched him without asking, he won’t do it again-

But all she does is beam and say, “Aw, were you two playing together? You’re so natural with him, Kurosaki-kun. But then, I suppose you would be.”  She said it like it made sense, like he was Kazui’s real dad.

“He’s just a good baby is all,” he mumbled numbly, heart still pounding hard. He managed to breathe a shaky sigh of relief when he wasn’t met with scolding or distrust or suspicion.

She came and plucked the little one up into her arms, carefully supporting his head. “C’mere, baby boy,” she cooed.

He came and sat at the table and ate, not tasting anything as he watched Tatsuki bottlefeed Kazui. Orihime was reporting how sweet and gentle Ichigo was with the baby, and Tatsuki teased him about going soft. He gave a hollow laugh.

He comes over again as often as he can, and each time, Kazui seems to have changed so much. He goes over and they put Kazui in his arms sometimes, they have him sit next to Kazui in his baby seat, they’ll have him watch him on the playmat.

He felt at peace in those times, but desperately sad, lying on the floor with the baby, the little three week old, just looking at him, just _looking_ at him and aching from loving him.

Somehow, he felt worse each time he went home afterwards, the rest of his life seemed a little darker, a little more hopeless.

 

   Rukia called to remind him to get in contact with Renji, and all he had to say was, “No.”

“Why not.”

“I dunno’,” he murmured. “I’d feel ashamed.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” he sighed. “Maybe I don’t want him to see me like this. Besides, it’s not fair. Not when I can’t think about anything but…” He trailed off, gritting his teeth.

“That’s exactly the point,” Rukia scolded. “You need to get out of your head.” Ichigo put a hand to his eyes, grimacing. “If not Renji, then you should really try to find someone, Ichigo. Even if only a friend. It’s not good that you should be alone. I can’t be there for you right now.”

“You are,” Ichigo protested halfheartedly.

“You know what I mean.” Rukia sighed, and Ichigo can hear the worry in her voice. “I know how you get when you’re on your own for too long.”

“Okay,” he said softly.

He didn’t know what else to do, so he followed her advice and tried to throw his net wider. He met another guy on the Soul Society app, _p@nther-k!ng,_ who was kind of a dick, but from his profile pics, was really hot - muscular, bright blue hair, a tattoo of fanged jawbones on his cheek.  
  


    _‘Hey,’_ he messaged him. _‘I live in your area and need to make some friends. Feel like meeting?’_

_‘what u look like?’  
_

Ichigo snapped a quick picture of his face and sent it.  
  


         _‘hell yeah. when.’_


	11. Chapter 11

    _Hollow-souru_ was talking to him again, but even he’s seemed distant from him somehow. Renji’s nearly at the end of his rope. He feels more and more than everybody was pulling away from him.

 _‘Dude,’_ he told him one afternoon many weeks after the last time he’d seen Ichigo, still unable to stop thinking about him. They’d never officially broken things off but he was pretty sure it was over. They haven’t talked in what felt like ages.      _‘I think i love that guy i’ve been seeing.’_

_‘The one who ditched you?’_

_‘Yeah. i can’t stop thinking about him. He just stopped talking to me all of a sudden. I think i fucked up or something.’_

_‘That bites dude.’_

_‘I know. i miss him.’_

_‘survey your options. you have a lot, it looks like.’_ Renji didn’t know if he was just joking around like usual, but it came across cold somehow, unsympathetic. Couldn’t a guy be maudlin without his friends jumping ship anymore?

    _‘Whatever fine, thanks,’_ Renji answered back, bitterly, having given up.

_‘Just saying.’_

_‘okay.’_    It was a slap in the face if he’d ever seen one.  


Several people had given him that same advice by now, and well, fine. He’ll suck it up then and quit complaining. He’ll just stop trying.  


He was in a bad mood as it is after dealing with Kuchiki when he and Rukia had come to pick up Ichika and take her for a couple weeks that she had off of school. Still operating as though she were at home even though she wasn’t, Renji didn’t go out much, feeling no motivation, nothing to keep his spirits up.

Renji felt so damn low and alone that after spending some time at Ikkaku’s house drinking and getting berated for being such a pathetic sad sack, he at last turned to the Grindr app. He put some flattering pictures of himself shirtless up there, carefully leaving out his face, although the tattoos were giveaway enough to anyone who knew him in real life.

 _Pink-Chicken._ He went back to the profile and looked at it. He still felt a little uneasy about it, but at this point, he felt so lonesome that he’s past caring. Ichigo hasn’t talked to him for almost a month now. He’s pretty sure that ship has sailed. Having a casual hookup wouldn’t ruin his chances with him. There was nothing left to ruin.  


    It was startlingly easy. He messaged the guy, and he was down - and only 5 km from his house.  


He was a little apprehensive when he went out to meet him, checking his phone frequently as he got closer and closer.

All of a sudden, there he was, standing there! It was the same guy from the picture! Renji looked from his phone to the guy leaning against the wall next to the alleyway for a couple seconds, glanced both ways, and then approached slowly.

“Hey,” he said, feeling a thrill of excitement when the guy - _Pink-Chicken, the name made sense now -_ looked up at him and gave a pleased grin. His hair was a little weird, but sort of cool.

The guy smirked and glanced around too, and then backed into the alley. Renji followed after a second and once he entered into the safety of the shadows, the guy put an arm around Renji’s neck and they kissed - and it’s good.

 _‘Whoa,’_ he thought, blood rushing to his head. Guess they were getting to it right away then.

Any remaining nerves were soothed by the feeling of a pseudo-embrace, strong arms encircling his back and shoulders as they gripped each other.

Despite his boundless experience, Renji felt out of practice, he felt drunk on the feeling of being touched, the feeling of getting his dick sucked, he didn’t remember it being this nice.  


    They sucked each other off and then did up their belts and had a smoke side by side, and then they waved goodbye and parted ways.  


Renji still felt warm from his stomach down to his toes, relaxed and satisfied, but somehow, he felt a little sad too. Maybe he was just touch-starved and wanted human connection, but that hadn’t felt like enough, not nearly. It had been so short. He wanted to be held, he wanted to like… do shit like brush the hair off someone’s forehead and lay side by side in bed and kiss. He wanted affection, wanted the security of knowing that special person cared about him, would stay at his side through the hard times.

  
    He’d never gotten to touch Ichigo's damn hand.  


Maybe he was being selfish, letting his heart keep dragging on the ground over it. It’s not right that he should be lonely when he had Ichika in his life most of the time, but he had other needs. He needed love.

Ichigo wasn’t around and his friend _hollow-souru_ was spotty at best, and Rukia, as much as he loved her, she didn’t contradict her brother in his favor often, if ever, and couldn’t do much to comfort him from so far away.

  All he has left is quick and easy satisfaction, however temporary it is.  


He met Bazz-B a few more times. It wasn’t like he didn’t have the time after work, since Ichika wasn’t there for him to feed dinner and tuck in at night. The two of them meet and go at it, and it’s like a relationship insofar that every other moment in a relationship besides sex was snipped away. They drink sometimes, they even go to a seedy club for a while. They never talked much. When they had, they’d ended up arguing and making fun of each other’s looks and then it had turned into rough kissing and grinding against a wall.

He showered really well when he went home even though Ichika wasn’t there to see her dad looking so tired and sad.

He went to bed and screwed his eyes shut and tried not to think about how lonely he felt. He hugged a pillow to his face and chest, squeezing and squeezing, but it was no good.


	12. Chapter 12

Ichigo didn’t smoke, but he and the guy, _p@nther-k!ng_ have met up a couple times. The guy’s name is Grimmjow, and Grimmjow did smoke - and for the sake of being friendly, Ichigo took a drag or two when offered.

The guy was kind of aloof, and when he wasn’t aloof, he was aggressive. Usually they meet for only about an hour at a time, smoke and bitch at each other and then disperse. Ichigo doesn’t understand how he feels when they’re together, doesn’t know if he’s left feeling comforted or unfulfilled.  
  


   He doesn’t know _why_ he’s doing it more than anything else.  
  
  


Ichigo didn’t feel up to talking to anyone for almost a month or so. When he finally did, he messaged his old buddy _rxd_hxwler._ Hopefully he was still around and willing to talk to him after so long.    
  


_‘hey you there? I think i’m ready to rant.’_ After thirty seconds or so, Ichigo’s shoulders dropped in disappointment. Usually _rxd_hxwler_ came online right away to answer him. . . Oh, there he was!

 _‘Whoa, you’re back!’_   his friend answered. Ichigo perked up, smiling a little bit.    
  
_‘I figured you would’ve found love by now. You get a lot of hits on your profile.’_

 _‘naw cmon, you’re my bud, man! I’m psyched to hear from you. dude i thought you died or something! Why haven’t you been on?’_  
  


Ichigo couldn’t help but grin a little bit at the guy’s enthusiasm. He was glad he wasn’t mad. He knows he’d sort of iced him out for a while there, so he wouldn’t have blamed him.  Even just talking to him a little bit, he was already feeling that much better.  
  


_‘It’s a long story.  I’ve been kind of down lately and i don’t have anyone i can talk to about it. it's just been hard.’_

      _‘all ears bro’_

 _‘So i had a kid recently right?’_ he began, but was interrupted.

       _‘Wow.’_

_‘what.’_

_‘Nothing, you just seem too immature to be a dad.’_

_‘Fuck you.’_    Ichigo grit his teeth, and begrudgingly added, _‘... no you’re right though.’_

_‘What, are you telling me this because you know i’m a dad too?’_

_‘i guess. I dunno’ why I’m telling you honestly. I just want to tell somebody.’_

_‘okay .   you freaking out over the new responsibility then?’_  
  


Ichigo swallowed hard, staring glumly at the keyboard for a long time, sadness welling up inside him. If only that _were_ what he was freaking out about. It’s the exact opposite.     _‘I don’t have any custody rights,’_ he typed out numbly.  
  


     _‘Oh i see.’       ‘wait a sec. Are you a bad guy or something?’_

_‘Basically i signed my rights away from the beginning, because you’re right. I’m not ready to be a dad.’_

_‘But you’re regretting it now, okay i get it now.   What about the girl?’_

Ichigo sighed. It was hard to explain his situation to an outsider. _‘She and I were never together. She’s with someone else. It’s complicated alright?’_  
  


_‘I guess it must be’_ Ichigo closed his eyes and put his hand to his forehead.  
  


_‘Anyway, the kid was born recently, and well… it’s been hard. I dunno’. i dunno’ how to describe it.’_ He couldn’t put the emptiness he felt inside into words, couldn’t explain how every other aspect of his life that had used to bring him joy now felt meaningless.

 _‘When you become a parent everything changes. Even if you’re not with the kid, you think about them. I know exactly how that is.’_    It felt nice to know that he wasn’t the only person to ever go through missing a child, but he assumed most separated parents at least got to visit the child sometimes, at least got to be mom or dad to the kid. Ichigo wasn’t anyone.

 _‘yeah.    Yes. Like, it was never in the plan for me to be his dad, but now I wish I was, sort of.’_ He swallowed hard. _‘But i can’t.’_ It hurt to type out, hurt to read it.    _‘I get to visit sometimes, but i know i can’t keep coming around and just… i dunno’, obsessing about it all the time. Cause then I’ll be imposing.’_

 _‘Maybe you ought to get a life.’_  
  


That’s what everyone always told him. Fine then.

 

_‘Well fuck you.’_

   
  


Ichigo closed the window vindictively and fucked around on his phone some more. He didn’t know why, but after some time, he pulled up his months old conversations with Renji.  

  
     _‘Hey, you busy? I know we haven’t talked in awhile.’_

Renji didn’t answer for a while, and in regret, Ichigo messaged again, _‘Sorry, I shouldn’t have bothered you.’_

       _‘No hey. When can we meet?’_

 

               Ichigo didn’t know why, but he felt relieved.

  


The laptop beeped when a message from _rxd_hxwler_ came through.      _‘You know, your name should really be hollow-sour with that bad attitude.’_     Ichigo snorted.

He went to his profile and changed his username.           _‘   :P ‘_

_‘ (:     ‘_


	13. Chapter 13

After Renji had found out that Ichigo was buddies with Rukia too, when he didn’t hear anything from him for a long time, he tried to check up on him discreetly by asking Rukia about him. The kid had bragged that they talked every day, after all. Despite having given up and instead started meeting with Bazz-B on occasion, Renji still thought about him. He couldn’t help it.

The poor kid was going through a hard time apparently. Renji didn’t want to disturb him, so he left him alone. By the time Ichigo messaged him again, Renji’d long since given up hope on hearing from him. It took a little over a month, so for a while there he’d really through Ichigo had purposefully cut off ties from him.

It was pretty sad actually, because things had been going alright between them, or at least he’d thought so. And then after the kid had been born, he hadn’t heard a peep.

Now that Ichigo was talking to him again, Renji felt an immense guilt over his Grindr escapades, wishing he hadn’t lost hope that easily.  Part of how he’d justified it to himself in his heart in the first place was that he’d thought the person he’d had his hopes on had brushed him aside. He’d thought his feelings hadn’t been returned and wouldn’t come to fruition, and here it came to pass that Ichigo was still there after all, just in need of emotional support - just too proud to ask for it.  
  


  He felt like a bad person now for not having had more faith, for not having tried harder.  
  


When he and Renji met, Ichigo seemed very tired, his eyes dark underneath, despite the fact that Renji knew he wasn’t actually the one taking care of the newborn that was now in his life. He must not being getting much sleep anyways.

They didn’t talk on the kid very much actually, just like before. Renji brought it up out of curiosity, tentatively, in case it was sore, and Ichigo showed him some pictures, many many pictures of this little baby, a tiny infant in a pink blanket with a fluff of little orange hair.  
  


   “Handsome little guy,” Renji noted, and Ichigo smiled fondly. “Like his dad.”  
  


He expected Ichigo to blush or snort or at least react to the open flirting, but all that happens is his eyes go down and he seemed to droop at every joint. Renji frowned, fidgeting, knowing he’s said something wrong. He didn’t know how to make the poor guy feel better.

“I feel like I should be there,” Ichigo muttered. “I mean, I get to visit sometimes, but… he’s not mine.” Looking down at his phone and the pictures there, he gazed almost longingly at his little boy. “Sorry I haven’t been in touch. It’s been hard for me lately… I guess I didn’t expect I would love him this much.”

 _‘Aww,’_ Renji thought, feeling as though he should pat his shoulder or something.   “Yeah,” was all he said at first. “I feel that way sometimes when Ichika’s at Rukia’s.”   Renji knew that feeling very well actually. Ichika was gone right now, in fact.

“I… didn’t think I’d take it this hard,” Ichigo mumbled at his feet. “She… she said I should find a distraction. She warned me about this.” He scratched the back of his head, looking away. “I guess that’s why I haven’t called. It didn’t seem fair… Y’know, to use you like that.”

Renji stared, lips parted.

“But I think now… Maybe she was right. Maybe I do need that.” Ichigo hesitantly raised his eyes to his, and they seem raw somehow, vulnerable, trusting. “So… I mean, I’ve still got a lot of shit to sort out, so I don’t know how much I’m gonna’ be around. Maybe you want to keep your options open.”

“I’m here for you, man,” Renji said, almost too eagerly. To hell with his options when he had those sad brown eyes gazing at him so hopefully.  Ichigo smiled a little bit, just a little.

“Thanks.”

  
Renji smiled back. He hesitated for a moment, and then reached out and touched Ichigo’s hand, holds it. Ichigo held his back.  
  


   After that, everything was much better. They went on a few dates together. Even though Ichika was with her mom, Renji was happier than he’d been in a really long time and they hadn’t even done much more than hold hands. He thinks Ichigo’s happy too.  
  
  


    _Pink-Chicken:_     _‘Meet at 10?’_

             _‘Sorry man. Closin’ up shop.’_

_‘Suit yourself.’_

   
. . .

  
   Soon enough it was time to go pick Ichika back up. He waited at the airport, ready to take her home, anxiously pacing as he watched their plane to come into the gate. When the passengers got off, Renji looked for his little girl, but she saw him first, because he heard a joyous shriek of, _“Daddy!”_ and then saw her running right at him, arms open wide for a hug.

Heart leaping, he squatted down on the ground in time for her to jump into his arms and he stood up and spun her and spun her, laughing. “Hey little lady! I missed you so much!” he laughed, kissing her head and her neck, tickling her. Rukia walked up to them more slowly, smiling at them and Renji opened his other arm for her, leaning down to squeeze her too. “Hey other little lady,” he teased, kissing her cheek too. Rukia laughed and Renji grinned wide enough to split his face, hugging his family, able to hold them in both arms for once. He loved when they were all together.

Ichika got a little emotional saying goodbye to her mommy, but she cheered up once Renji took her home and she remembered all the toys she liked that she kept at daddy’s house. Renji spent the next day spoiling her and doing all her favorite things, all the things he couldn’t do with her when she was gone. He’s missed her so damn much. He took her to the bounce house and ate pie for dinner with her and played horsie and fell asleep on her bed reading her storybooks.

The next morning when they woke up and spent the morning in their pajamas eating breakfast, Renji sat across the table from her and watched her merrily swing her legs, her hair still in a messy unbrushed knot.

He felt slightly… _off._ It was the same feeling he got having Ichika but not Rukia at the same time, like being half-complete. The feeling was there again, but it was to do with Ichigo, in some small way.  
  


    “Honey?” he wondered, brow crinkling in thought.  
  


“Yeah daddy?” she chirped sweetly, god, her sweet little voice. He’s missed it so much. Renji smiled reflexively despite his uncertainty.

He wasn’t sure how she’d react. Rukia and his friends have assured him it was past time for him to start dating again, but he hasn’t considered how Ichika would take it if he brought someone new into her life. He wanted very much for her to react well.

Because he knew that if he had to pick one or the other, the choice was already made. He always had to be a father first, and just being Renji was pushed to the backburner most of the time - but he hoped it wouldn’t come to that.  
  


  “Do you remember Ichigo-san?” he began carefully.  
  


“Yep,” she peeped, eating her rice with her wide mouth, chewing away with those big cheeks.

“Well, uh, when you were visiting with mom, he an’ I became friends,” he told her, feeling a little nervous, watching carefully for her reaction. She kept chewing, mouth a little slack as she blinked at him.

“You play with Ichi-nii-san?”

Well, he wouldn’t have put it like that, but her innocent assessment of their relationship was good enough of an explanation, he supposed. “Yeah,” he said. “I just wondered, Ichika, do you like him?”

“Yeah!” She gave a big smile, kicking her legs more and bouncing in her chair. “He saved me from the bad man! An’ he’s really fun an’ nice!”

“What if he came over to visit?” Renji tested. Her smile was gone then, her head tilting to the side, that little thoughtful scrunch to her nose appearing.

“For a playdate?”

“Uhh, yeah! Yeah,” he said quickly. “For daddy. Do you think that’d be okay, sometimes?”

She frowned a little, lip puckering out as if she was going to begin crying. He clenched his fists, pressing them into the table. He was on the edge of his seat. “Whatsa’ matter, baby girl?” he tried anxiously.  
  


    "Who do I get to play with when he comes?” Ichika wondered, giving him those big sweet eyes that he was crippled against.  
  


“Uhh…”

“Do I have ta’ go to Yumiji and Ikkakuji’s house?”

“Oh,” Renji said, finally getting control of his tongue again. “No baby. At least... not  _every_ time he comes,” he assured gently.

She seemed to perk up then, looking a little excited. “Will Ichigo play with me too?”

“Sure he will.” Renji smiled when she gave a happy cry of ‘yay!’ and kicked her feet more vigorously than ever, scooting almost off her chair.  
  


    This could work. This could actually work.


	14. Chapter 14

He probably should have listened to Rukia a long time ago and just quit moping and asked Renji to come over. He’s felt a lot better since they got back together.

He’s had to make some excuses the next time he was scheduled to hang out with Grimmjow, give some half-assed apologies, and he chatted a lot with _rxd_hxwler_ , who was constantly gushing about his new boyfriend, some cute blonde.    

   _‘Does he look like a gibbon?’_ Ichigo teased.

           _‘no fuck you.’_ That got quite the laugh out of him.  
  


He thought on Renji for a time. They haven’t met up in a little while, but it wasn’t through some emotional block this time. Renji’s just been busy a lot lately since his daughter came back home from China. He didn’t have very much time to talk to him or see him, but that’s what having a kid does, that’s what being a _real parent_ does.

It meant Ichigo was on his own again, and being alone gave him too much time to think on his own little boy, something he hasn’t been able to stop doing.

At last, he asked if he could over to visit again, rare occurence that it was, and after going over and watching Kazui  - almost three months now  -  with sad eyes that never left him for a moment, Orihime and Tatsuki seemed to pick up on his mood.

Tatsuki cleared her throat. “You know Ichigo, me and Orihime have been talking about it, and we thought it would be nice if we could have some nights to ourselves. This little guy is a lot of work.” Ichigo stared at her blankly.

Orihime cut in then, holding Kazui up to her shoulder and patting his back. “What she means is, Kurosaki-kun, you wouldn’t ever want to babysit sometimes, would you? After all, you two get along so well, you’re so gentle with him.”  
  


“Yes,” he said, feeling numb, this fluttery feeling starting up in his gut.  
  


Whatever conversation they’d had after that, he didn’t remember it. He couldn’t believe it. He felt so happy. He felt _shaky_ from it he was so damn excited.

He floated all the way back home. He was going to watch baby Kazui at his house all of Friday afternoon and part of the evening. He felt vaguely guilty, because he knew he should've turned them down - he didn't exactly know how to take care of an infant, and he should have  _told_ them that, but he hadn't wanted them to change their minds!

When he got home, that was when the terror hit as he looked around his apartment. He needed baby stuff! How was he going to take care of a baby when he has no _baby stuff? Fuck!_

He rushed around his house, sporadically cleaning and moving things that a baby might grab and break despite knowing Kazui couldn’t crawl or even sit up or _roll_ yet. He can hold his head up when he was on his stomach, and he was now old enough that he could actually be played with and could smile, but that was about it.

Ichigo read up on the internet _obsessively_ to prepare. Orihime and Tatsuki had told him some things and were going to provide him a care bag with diapers and food and extra clothes and some toys, but that was it. He'd be on his own for the night with his son for the very first time - and if he wasn't careful, the  _only time._

He wondered if they were trusting him too much because he worked in the medical field and was a close friend of theirs, but he wasn’t sure he could actually do this. He didn’t know how to put a baby to sleep. He’s never changed Kazui's diaper or calmed him when he cried. He’s sure he could figure it out with practice, but he really didn’t want to mess this up. If he did, he might not get another chance.

He was going to be the best dad- no.

      No, the best _babysitter_ ever.


	15. Chapter 15

Renji didn’t hear from Ichigo for an almost alarmingly long time again considering there was this unofficial _thing_ between them now. At least, he thought there was. He was confident enough about it that he’d been raving about it to anyone who would listen. Ikkaku had this smug look on his face _all the time_ if he so much as mentioned Ichigo.

It’s his own fault they hadn’t seen much of each other, what with the way he was working like a maniac and trying to squeeze in extra time with Ichika every day. It was a shame that he and Ichigo hadn’t seen more of each other lately. He knew he ought to just invite Ichigo over for dinner, never mind that Ichika was there, but what they had between them was so new that he wanted to navigate it gently, and thought they should have a few more dates just the two of them before he brought his daughter into it.   
  


   In any case, when he at last got a call from Ichigo one afternoon, he perked up and answered, glad to hear from him. When he greeted him, Ichigo was panicked on the other end.

He’d never heard him like that before, and when Ichigo told him to come over please, as quick as he could, Renji did without any questions. It was clearly an emergency.  
  


As soon as he got off with Ichigo, he called up Yumichika and asked him if he could pick up Ichika from latchkey today, something had come up and he had to go handle it right away. Once that was taken care of, Renji took a cab out to Ichigo’s place.

He’d never been to Ichigo’s house before, but when he came over and went into his building and got up to his room, he understood what was going on immediately when he knocked on the door and Ichigo answered, haggard and disheveled. He could hear a baby in there, and from what he could see, the house was a wreck.  
  


  “You’re here,” Ichigo said in relief, “Quick, come in.”  
  


He left him there at the doorway, clearly meaning to lead him in and show him the source of the inconsolable crying. Renji followed, listening to the weak little unceasing cries from a tiny infant in a baby chair.

He walked after Ichigo to the side of the baby-seat where it was set on the floor. He ignored the mess, presuming that Ichigo had torn his house apart trying everything to find out what was wrong with his little boy.  
  


  “What’s wrong with him?” Renji wondered.  
  


“I dunno’, that’s why I called you!” Ichigo replied, voice high and shrill with strain. “You’re the only person I know who’s got a kid! Rukia wasn’t picking up!”

Renji walked towards the baby and peered down at the little one, wriggling in a onesie, flailing his bare legs and arms. He was red in the face and sweaty and _crying and_ _crying_.

“Can I hold him?” he asked.

“Yeah sure,” Ichigo said breathlessly, distressed and clammy in the face himself. He was clearly scared and exhausted.

Renji plucked him out of the chair and started bouncing him effortlessly, rocking him, resting his little body on his chest with his tiny arms tucked beneath him, head on his shoulder. Geez, he’d forgotten how tiny babies were, how fragile. He was so helpless, weighing almost nothing. He rubbed a hand on the little guy’s damp hair, trying to comfort him by pressing his cheek on his head.  
  


“Okay little guy, okay, shhh,” he hummed, swaying with him. “I know,” he murmured, the little wails continuing in his ear. “What’s his name again?”

“Kazui. He doesn’t know it yet anyway, it won’t help.”

Renji ignored him. “I gotcha’ little man, you’re okay.”  
  


Being an orphan and having lived on the streets for a time, he knew a lot about young kids and was pretty comfortable with them - although they weren’t always comfortable with _him,_ given how intimidating he came off sometimes. However, _babies_ were different. He hadn’t actually had any experience with babies before Ichika. He’d learned, sure, but it’d been like being flung into the deep end of the pool at first.

Ichigo stood by at his side anxiously, fists curling and uncurling.  “Is he sick?” he wondered after a few moments. “Do you think he might be sick?”

“If you thought he was sick, why didn’t you call the doctor?” Renji wondered, but kept his voice level, rubbing the little one’s back soothingly with the flat of his palm.

“If I do, what if…” Ichigo grit his teeth, glaring at his feet. “What if they don’t let me watch him again?” Ichigo muttered and immediately blurted, _“That’s so fucking selfish,_ I know, but…”   He gave Renji a desperate look, sounding almost near tears when he placed his hand to his forehead.   “God, I tried so hard to learn how to take care of a baby. I made them think I knew what to do - if I screw this up they’re not gonna’ trust me with him again! You’ve gotta’ help me, I-”

“Okay, okay,” Renji said, “Just calm down.” Renji had no idea how long Ichigo had been struggling with the baby alone before he’d gotten here, how far to the end of his rope he was with all this crying and the frustration of not being able to make it stop. He probably needed to take a breather and go cool off.

“Shhh, poor baby, you’re okay,” he cooed to the infant, then looked at Ichigo again. “Tell me what you’ve tried. Did you change his diaper?”

“Yeah,” Ichigo said, nodding, seeming glad to cede to his expertise, clearly not wanting to handle this one his own.

“Feed him?”

“I did earlier, I warmed up his milk and tested it on my arm and everything, and he drank the whole thing,” Ichigo recalled, still shaken up and frazzled. “I tried to put him to sleep and he almost did but then he… He just started crying all of a sudden out of nowhere and he won’t stop!”

“Hm.” Renji kept rubbing the little guy’s back and bouncing him around. The cries were gradually starting to get weaker and quieter until at last the baby hiccuped and then burped, spitting up on Renji’s shirt.  
  


    Yep, there it is.  
  


Renji sighed. “Whoaaaa, yeah.” He held the baby out at arm’s length just in time for him to puke all over the floor, wetting the front of his little footies.

Ichigo just stared, aghast, frozen in place. Renji looked at him. “You have a towel?”

“Wh- He just-” he sputtered, holding a hand out and pointing.

“What?”

“Why are you so calm?!” Ichigo blurted, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry- He just-” He looked completely mortified. Renji didn’t see what the big deal was.

“What, it’s milk and spit, it’s just baby puke,” he brushed off. “Look dude, I’ve got a kid too. I’ve had grosser things happen. Just keep it chill.” He looks at the baby he was holding out, who was once again huffing and sniveling and crying miserably, and bounced him once. “No biggie,” he told Kazui, who continued to screw up his face and weakly cry. Poor guy must have surprised himself with puking so much, and probably had cried so long that he didn’t know how to stop.

“Is he okay?” Ichigo wondered. “Shit, he _vomited.”_

“Nah, babies do that all the time. He’s fine.” Renji brought the infant back in. “Awww, look at’m,” he cooed. Kazui stopped crying then, eyes drooping in exhaustion as Renji cuddled him in one arm and rocked him slowly, rubbing his sticky belly.

“Okay, are you gonna’ keep being helpless, or…?” Renji picked up a piece of clothing from the floor with his foot and Ichigo finally unfroze, scrambling around and retrieving a wet towel and a t-shirt for Renji to wear.

“Sorry,” he said again when Renji set Kazui down in his baby seat, gingerly holding the wet part of his shirt away from his body. It felt grosser as it started to cool.

“It’s fine,” Renji laughed, “I missed it actually, now that I think of it.”  
  
“Getting barfed on?”

“Hey, six-year-old barf is way _way_ grosser than newborn barf,” Renji teased once he got the spare shirt on.

Ichigo breathed a sigh of relief when he squatted next to Kazui, finally quiet. He pulled out a couple wet wipes from the mess on the floor and gently wiped his little face, waking him up when he covered his mouth and nose with the cold wipe.

Kazui gave a few fussy huffs as though threatening to cry again, but he didn’t, far too tired. Renji laughed, and the two of them laid him on the floor and peeled his dirty onesie off. Ichigo undid the snaps and Renji removed it from his arms and legs. They cleaned up the baby together and dressed him and the little guy fell fast asleep.

Renji took off his shirt, trying his best to keep the soiled portion from touching his hair as he pulled it over his head. He put on the spare one Ichigo had given him - _geez, it’s a little tight -_ while he rinsed his own real quick in the sink.

When their work was done, they both cleared a space on the floor with Kazui and watched him sleep on a baby mat. Ichigo lay there exhausted, his eyes red-rimmed, head on his upper arm, fingers pinching and lazily touching around Kazui’s little foot.  
  


“I thought he was really sick,” he said at last, voice raspy and tired, “An’ he just needed to burp.”

“You alright?” Renji propped his chin on his fist. Ichigo shrugged, looking miserable.

“He cried for over an hour and I couldn't figure it out. I thought something was really wrong… I even thought that it might be because he wanted his mom and I'm... a stranger.”  
  


They sat up, and Renji brought the sleeping baby into his arms, picking him up carefully. They talked quietly to keep from waking him.

Ichigo wouldn’t look at him, staring down at his lap. “Sometimes, I think maybe…” He swallowed, as if trying to tell him something very personal. “You know, maybe it’s better that he’s not mine. I don’t think I deserve to be his dad,” he confessed in a choked whisper.

Renji gave an indignant gasp to scold him, and Ichigo’s shoulders rose up in shame. He turned his head away. “Don’t say that, look how hard you tried. A bad father wouldn't have tried so hard,” Renji said firmly. “What matters is that you're there and that you try your best.” Ichigo scratched and wiped at his face, looking away, his shoulders still up high near his ears. Just as he’d soothed the little blonde before, he kept his voice steady and calm. He adjusted Kazui in his arms and reached a hand out and placing it on Ichigo’s shoulder.

“I mean, sometimes you get it wrong, but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad father. You try as hard as you can and do the best you can do, because you love ‘em. That’s all I can do with Ichika, and that’s all you can do. That’s what makes us dads.”  
  


“... Thanks for…” Ichigo lifted his head up and looked him in the eye. “Thanks,” he murmured.

“Aw, pssh.” Renji smiled crookedly, feeling warm inside. “Here, you take him,” he offered softly.  
  


Renji handed him the baby and Ichigo carefully held out his arms and let Renji transfer the little one into them, accepting and cradling him. He looked down at Kazui with so much love and gentleness in his face that Renji was enamored by it. Was that how he looked when he held his own little daughter?

They sat there together, gathered closely around the sleeping baby. Ichigo looked up at him, and after he gazed back into his eyes for a moment, all of a sudden Renji started to lean in towards him.  
  


It was only when Ichigo’s eyes fluttered shut that he realized what he was doing, and Renji stopped.  
  


He pulled away. “I should… I…” Ichigo’s eyes opened and Renji stood up. He gave a grimace of a smile to him and retreated towards the door. “I’ll see you later.”

Ichigo just stared after him, lips parted, and didn’t say a word. Renji shut the door on the sight of him sitting there on the floor in a tornado of baby items, holding his son.


	16. Chapter 16

Once Ichigo returned Kazui to his moms and cleaned up the house, he thought back to the conversation he’d had with Orihime. In an awkward hesitant sort of way, as he'd given the baby back to her, he’d asked about having more responsibility over Kazui. She’d seemed receptive to the idea, but Ichigo still didn’t think that she and Tatsuki knew about the full depths of his desperation to be in the little guy’s life.

Life improved after that so he should have been happy. Things were going well for him. His relationship with Renji was alright and he got to visit his son often enough. So he didn’t know why he felt sad and uneasy, like he was barely holding on before another meltdown. 

Maybe it was something to do with the way Renji had looked at him when they'd both held Kazui together, the way he'd breathed onto his lips before pulling away, walking out with a fleeting smile. Ichigo doesn't know why it made dread and bitterness twist inside him, but it does.   
  


  It was probably nothing.  
  


Ichigo met Renji for a date at the zoo on the weekend. It's the first time Renji's brought Ichika to come be with them when they were together, and Ichigo somehow felt that they were growing closer than ever. It really felt like they got to be some sort of little family for an afternoon, Ichika running around them and chattering, happy to see the animals, happy to see Ichigo. She begged them repeatedly to swing her between them by the arms one more time, and they always caved and swung her up until she shrieked with giggles.

It was a good day, the bitter feeling nothing but a memory as they held hands and whatnot and walked through the park side by side. They were around the gibbon pit together and Renji was really excited to see the monkeys, Ichika scooped up onto his shoulders to get a better view.  
  


  That’s when it happened.  
  


“Gibbons are my favorite animal,” Renji told Ichigo with a grin. “Tigers and gibbons.”

“What’s so great about a bunch of monkeys.”

“They’re apes,” Renji corrected stubbornly, eyes roving with fascination over the fuzzy apes swinging around the enclosure.

“Whatever, they look like aliens with noodles for arms,” Ichigo said hesitantly, giving Renji a suspicious glance, but really, he already knew. He knew who it was. Renji must have realized too, because he was staring back at him, not saying anything for a time.

When he finally did, he stared dead into Ichigo's eyes, and slowly muttered, “Don’t be such a sour puss.”  
  


Ichigo took a step back then, shaking his head. It was true then. “It’s you,” he said. “... It’s you.”  
  


“Heh’, that’s funny,” Renji laughed, “Small world. It was you the whole time! Guess it was meant to be or something.”

“. . .” Renji kept smiling, but Ichigo did not. He took another step away, and when he did, the smile left Renji’s face.

“Wait, you’re not upset, are you?” he wondered.

Ichigo just swallowed and looked away. “I have to go.” That's all he knows is that he has to leave. He can't be here. Not anymore. 

Renji’s expression crumpled in confusion and sadness. “What?” he breathed. "But why?"

“I just… I have to go.” He turned and he walked off. “Bye Ichika,” he said, and he didn’t turn back.

 

       That was the end of things. Ichigo stayed out of contact for a long time. He wasn’t even sure why. Maybe it was out of embarrassment at all the things he’s told Renji, all the things he’d said to him online, not knowing it was him. Maybe he felt betrayed somehow. But most of all, he felt lonelier than ever, and ...  _empty._  
  


In the fallout, his mind was in a whirl.    _‘Meet tonight,’_ he saw on his phone.

 _‘Fine.’_  
  


He's so messed up, so sad and fucked up inside that he actually goes. Late at night he wandered out and met Grimmjow and drank his sorrows. They end up outside and for a while he let a hand drag him around by the belt - he lets him open it up, lets him touch him, wants to be touched, wants to be held, but he can't bear it all the same, it makes him want to shrink away where nothing can reach him, where he can't be hurt.   
  
“What are you doing?” he slurred, swinging wildly and trying to push away.

   “What do you think I’m doing, why do you think I came here?”  Grimmjow shot back, and he sounded hard, hard and cold. "You knew what this was. You knew it from the start."  
  


_That's all it was. That's all it ever is - that's all it ever could be, because who could love you, who could ever be with you, not even your own baby, not even the man you thought you loved, the whole time it was all a horrible waste- And I did know it from the start, didn't I.       What are you even doing? What are you doing. . .?  
_

Ichigo just wanted to be left alone - he just wanted it all to go away. He grit his teeth, woozy, and shoved roughly at the hand fondling him. “What the fuck, no,” Ichigo repeated, moving back away from the demanding hand in his pants. “I said no.”  He doesn't want to be touched. _He just wants to be left alone._

Grimmjow was mad, getting in his face, not letting him go, groping him hard, pressing himself onto him, tries to make him kiss him. Ichigo pressed his lips together, turning his head this way and that to avoid the hot mouth sliding across his chin, his cheeks. He didn't bother fighting, just let Grimmjow hold them together. 

“You fucking waste people’s time like this, what do you think is going to happen,” he growls, dark and annoyed. 

“Let go of me,” he demanded. “Now.”

“Tch.” Grimmjow spat at his feet.  
  


When he left him alone, he ended up wandering the streets and finally showed up outside of their house really late. He curled up there on the porch and stayed there until dawn and then knocked on the door, eyes bloodshoot, looking like a complete wreck. He can feel his face pinching, can feel how wild his eyes must look, can feel it from the way his chest clenches and his breath rasps through his tight throat, can feel the way tears sting inside him.

Orihime gasped when she found him like that, hand flying to her mouth. “I…” He held the doorframe, body sagging, head pounding, “I… Can I see him,” he breathed. “Please.”

“He’s sleeping,” Orihime whispered, but she let him come inside.

Ichigo sat there at the table numbly as she brought him a glass of water and some pills and tried to talk to him. Tatsuki came out in a tank top and shorts, wiping her eyes confusedly and the two of them try to ask him what happened, what’s wrong, and in that moment, he can't help it. Something breaks.

Maybe his heart. He's not sure, but after that emptiness, when he felt the least bit of pain, sharp and pitiful, he cracks.

“I…” He swallowed, feeling nauseated. “I love him,” he admitted. “And… God, I wish… I know it’s wrong, it’s wrong to butt into your guys’ lives, you’re his parents. I should've known what I was agreeing to, and I thought I did, but…” Voice going raspy and weak, he tried, “I just… I can’t help but want to be there too. Now that he's here, I can’t stop loving him and I just wish I could be there too.”

      Eyes watery, he croaked, pitiful and guilty, “Is that wrong?”

He didn’t know why he was crying, but he is. He didn’t know why he was hurting so bad, but he was, he really was. He’s so damn lonely and distraught. He pressed his face into his palms and sniffed and tries to breathe through it, because no sobs meant it didn’t count.

But he felt a hand on each side of his back, one on each shoulder, rubbing and patting him, Tatsuki scolding him aloud for not saying anything sooner and Orihime pleading with him to please stop crying, and he just breaks down and weeps.


	17. Chapter 17

Renji didn’t know why it all had fallen apart, didn’t know why they’d split up. He's pretty sure they had.

He can't figure out what had gone wrong, why Ichigo had pulled away like that. Had he done something wrong? He didn't think he had. Renji's not sure what was going on with Ichigo or what had happened to upset him so much. It had definitely been something to do with finding out it had been him all along that he'd been talking to over the internet, but Renji just didn't get why that had pushed him over the edge. He'd thought Ichigo would think it was cool, but the look on his face when he'd realized, there'd been a flash of fear, and then he'd just closed up, something going dark behind his eyes.

Sure, Renji had been kind of surprised to find out that _hollow-sour_ had turned out to be Ichigo, but that was sort of cool, wasn’t it? It made sense actually - they were both new fathers, they’d both fallen out of contact with him around the same times before. He doesn’t get it, because it had seemed like everything had been going alright again finally, like they were finally on the right track. 

What he didn’t understand was why Ichigo was pulling away.

It made Renji hurt inside, this unbearable ache. It never hurt any less, even though he knew by now that this was how it went. Everyone pulled away and he was left on his own. He's never good enough in the end. 

What’s worse is that while this was going on, as if it wasn’t already bad enough, he got into a fight with Kuchiki. Maybe he shouldn't have, but he'd been in a dark place after Ichigo had ended things, and when Kuchiki had pushed him too hard, he hadn't been able to hold his temper.

When Kuchiki had heard there was a new man in his life, he dropped the hammer. Ichika, in the innocent sweet way she had about her, must have said something about Ichigo to Rukia and Kuchiki while on their biweekly video call - he didn't see how else he could've found out, because Rukia wouldn't have said anything. It only took a short time for Kuchiki to call and talk to him personally, to start lecturing him about how he was irresponsible and not focusing on his responsibilities.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Renji grit out, staying as civil as he could at the start.

“She was already almost kidnapped on your watch once and here you are, so eager to bring another stranger in. Foolish.”

“Ichigo’s not a stranger,” Renji snapped. “He’s the guy who, who helped save her!” he blurted, flustered and enraged. “Rukia knows him too, an’ trusts him.”

“In any case, you don’t need any more distractions.”

With a hot flash of rage, because  _he's her father and not Kuchiki_ _,_ and he's so tired of being treated with no respect, he makes the worst mistake he's ever made, and finally snaps. Breaks. Cracks. 

There was a confrontation and then there was _shouting_ which just made things worse.

 

   He hadn’t heard from Ichigo even once since the split. He’s checked online for him and saw that his username had changed back to _hollow-souru_ again.

It’s of no consequence - not now. It’s only been a couple weeks that she’s been home, but Ichika’s going back. She’s going back with them. He's been a fool and he's lost her.

 

He had a long pep talk with Yumichika, who’d finally caught wind of this entire debacle, and as expected, wasn’t happy with being kept out of the loop for the last few months.

Renji went home and paid his bills, cleaned up Ichika’s toys, turned the TV on, went to sleep, and missed her and _missed her._

And he misses him too. He checked the Soul Society again and couldn’t view _hollow-souru_ at all anymore. The account was gone.


	18. Chapter 18

Ichigo didn’t hear from Renji again for a long time after that, not for almost a month actually. He doesn't blame him - he was the one to walk away - but he'd somehow expected that he'd call at least once.

After that night, that really really low night, things started to get better. Every other weekend he got to take Kazui for two nights, and Orihime let him come over a lot to help around the house and play with the baby.

It was only when he got a birthday call from Rukia and heard… _Ichika?_ in the background that he realized… Wait, what was going on with Renji? He’d thought Ichika was going to be home with him for a few more months.  
  


“Wait, what the heck, is that Ichika?” he wondered.

“Yeah, she’s playing loudly with Nii-sama,” Rukia said.

“Wait, so then what’s up with Renji?”

Rukia was quiet for a few moments in what at first seemed like confusion, but then she wondered concernedly, “You haven’t heard from him?”

That actually worried him a little. “We had a falling out,” he confessed.

“What? He hasn’t mentioned that…” Rukia gave an exasperated sigh then. “That idiot. I suppose that makes sense of that outburst.”

“Wait, you’ve been talking to him?”

“Yes, daily,” she grumbled.

“Doesn’t he seem fine then?”

“Yes. Obviously he’s not.” Ichigo was catching on now. Renji must have been sounding alright over the phone with her, but Rukia clearly had suspicions that he was faking big time. “Ichigo please, do me a favor and try to check on him.” Ichigo pressed his lips together in hesitance.

As if picking up on this, Rukia lowered her voice. “I worry about him.” Ichigo screwed his eyes shut, sighing through his nose. “He doesn’t do well on his own.”

“I dunno’ if I can, Rukia. I… I ran away. I musta' hurt him.”

“He’ll take you back,” she said with conviction.

“Why should he even want to after I keep icing him out. This isn't the first time.”

“He’s a warm and forgiving person.”

“That’s not the point. I keep doing it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”  
  


Ichigo held the phone to his face, trying not to admit to himself whether aloud or even in thought, that…

 _‘In the end, maybe I’m afraid of being left alone.’_  
  


“Ichigo,” Rukia pleaded. “... He’s all alone. Think about visiting him. Please.”

  “Yeah,” he murmured. “Okay.”

 

Once he got over himself, worked through his shame and pride, he tried to get into contact with Renji. He was able to arrange a meeting, and when they met, Renji seemed as bad as Rukia had suspected. He looked so sad and beaten down.

They didn’t know what to say to each other, didn’t know how to look at each other. Renji eventually muttered that they should head back to his place, and they walked for a ways side by side, hands in their pockets and kicking stones.

“Rukia’s been worried about you,” Ichigo mumbled. “You… wanna’ talk about it?”

Renji let a long sigh out. “You know how the whole… Rukia thing happened? Did she ever tell you?”

“No. I mean, you’ve mentioned it, but…”

“We parted amicably.”

“I know. That’s why it makes it weird that you didn’t go back with her and you guys live apart.” Ichigo has honestly wondered about this before.

“Her brother and I don’t get along.”

“Byakuya, huh?”

“Yeah,” Renji said shortly. “He’s sort of the reason I was apart from her for so many years before we… sort of had Ichika together,” he mumbled. “He thinks I’m trash an’ I resent him and glare at him and get jealous of his life and how he can give Rukia and Ichika stuff that I can’t. That’s basically our relationship.”

“Can’t you just tell him if he doesn’t stop treating you like crap, you’ll just keep her?” Ichigo floated the idea, but Renji was already shaking his head.

“I can’t,” he said flatly, as though he hated that it wasn’t an option. “He’s loaded and he’ll be able to pay for a better lawyer in a custody battle. I’ll only lose her for good if I push him.”

“Rukia wouldn’t allow that.”

“I won’t risk it. I’m scared anyways.”

“Move close then?” Renji shrugged.

“I dunno’. I’ve gotten used to this place and… I think Ichika has too,” he sighed. “I know too many transitions aren’t good for kids, but… I never wanted her to grow up in a mansion.” He put a hand to his forehead and groaned, “And I know that sucks, because you’re supposed to want better for your kids than what you had, but… I don’t want her to think her fucking uncle is right when he tells her how much of a deadbeat her daddy is.”

“She doesn’t think you’re a deadbeat,” Ichigo said. “She thinks you’re superman.”

“And what do you think I am?” Renji suddenly demanded as they came to a stop in front of his apartment building. He looked him right in the eyes, as if pressing him for an answer, as if asking him once and for all, stay or go.

“Me?” Ichigo wondered. “... I think you’re uhhh…”   He cleared his throat and shifted, eventually managing a sad smile. “You’re a cool guy. And you’re a good dad, and a good friend too. I really believe that.”

“Yeah?” Renji considered, looking at him intently.

“Yeah…” Ichigo gave a roll of his shoulder, looking down at his feet for a second. “So don’t let Byakuya’s pompous smug face bug you so much.”

Renji smiled at him for a few moments and Ichigo watched as it slowly faded. “God,” he whispered. “He’s taken everything away from me. I feel fucking helpless. He’s always been a better brother than me. He’s got money and class and what do I have?”

Ichigo looked back at him silently, lips parted, and he didn’t know how it happened, but the answer came out of him.     “Heart.”

Renji just stared at him, something in his eyes changing. They stood on the sidewalk, wind ruffling their hair, blowing past them.

“Will you… come inside?” Renji wondered, something funny happening with his voice as he pointed over his shoulder. They didn’t say another word until they got up into Renji’s house, and when Renji shut the door slowly, he kept his hand on the knob for a few moments.

Ichigo stood there, curcling and uncurling his hands, because he knows what's coming.

“Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s feeling this thing between us,” Renji murmured lowly, still facing the door, turning his head just enough to barely show his face. “Every time I think that we're growing closer, you start fighting it. I tell myself to let you go and not get in your way, but it's a dagger in my heart. After all this time, tell me if I have a reason to hope. If I have a chance, tell me.”

“Ahh. That’s…” Ichigo put a fist up to his mouth when the words got stuck. Renji turned to him, waiting in silence.

“...”

“So that day when you helped me with Kazui, were you...” The words are so hard coming out, he can’t breathe, they’re so dry, so sticky, so _choked._ “Were you gonna’ kiss me?” he forced out, his voice cracking.

It happened all in a rush - Renji’s body seemed to melt and shudder with a sigh as he stepped towards him, slowly, seeing wary of startling him and spooking him away. Renji took his face in his warm hands with a relieved noise and moved in and kissed him, sealing their mouths. Ichigo stood there motionless, pliant under his hands, and Renji held him, touched him, pressed him to his chest. Ichigo just lets him.

Renji crushes their faces together, pushing his lips onto his firmly, as if trying to make him feel something, trying to show him what he felt. He was getting choked up at the way Renji's warm palms cupped his face, held him so tenderly. Ichigo stood there and let him.

"Ichigo," he murmured, desperate, emotional, _soft_ , and kissed him. Is this what it's like...? To be held?  
  


“Sorry for… you know,” he breathed when Renji let them separate, only their mouths, their bodies remaining close. “It’s been… hard… for me,” he tried to explain. “I don’t know why I left you alone like I did. I…”

“You’re here now,” Renji breathed. “So what then. Are you gonna’ stay or go?”

Ichigo looked back into his eyes for a second, two, and then brushed his face on Renji’s, and they embrace.

They kissed each other in the evening light coming through the shades, they moved to the bedroom and undressed and lay together on Renji’s bed, kissing and slowly bringing their bodies together in a tangle of sweat, their hands clasped and linked as they stayed awake late into the night.

Ichigo gasped and shuddered, feeling thumbs on his cheeks trying to draw his attention. He brought his eyes in to focus. Renji had his face in his hands and was above him, hair casting his features in a harsh shadow. “Ichigo.” Their bodies touch and slide together, more gently now that the fires of passion have cooled. “Ichigo,” he breathed.

“Did you mean it when you said you think you love me,” Ichigo whispered, only because there’s nothing left to hide now, nothing left to deny, nothing left to cover his true fear with, not now that they’ve done this, not now that they lay here in the dark, alone together.

"When we talked, I mean. And you didn't know it was me. Did you mean it?"

Renji didn’t answer him right away, his thumbs slowing where they stroked his cheeks. “Please don’t disappear again,” he said, the words ghosting out across Ichigo’s lips, his eyes deep and searching. “Please.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah,” he murmured, and really Ichigo knew it. He knew all along that it had been true. That's why he'd run away, wasn't it.

“Okay,” Ichigo said back. “Okay. I won’t.”

Stretched out on his side next to him, wrapped through each other, Renji continued to hold his head, his face. “You promise?” he says.

“I swear.” And Ichigo reached his arms out. Renji opened his own up to accept Ichigo’s embrace sliding around his neck and shoulders, holding him back. He gave a long sigh of relief and contentment.

“Yeah,” Renji repeated. “Yeah, I really do.”

      They fell asleep like that, holding each other.

 

In the morning, Ichigo woke alone and found Renji sitting at the kitchen table and staring out into the tiny front room at a little hairbrush that was strewn on the floor. He sat there, his own hair loose, his face slack and drained.

“Should I go?” he whispered, because it was so quiet and empty that morning, and he didn’t know what else to say.

Renji looked up though, the drained empty look transforming the moment he spoke. “Do you have to?”

“No.”

“Then don’t,” he murmured, taking his hand.

  
         So Ichigo doesn’t. After that, he doesn’t anymore.


	19. Chapter 19

     Renji couldn’t believe how fast the past few months had gone.

He usually drowned himself in work when Ichika was with her mom. He called nightly, because without Rukia, he was already antsy enough, but Ichika too, he missed them both so dearly. It hasn’t been as hard as it usually was though - because usually he was by himself, and this time, he's not. 

In the past months, Ichigo’s helped him so much to get through it, and even though he can tell Ichigo isn’t at his best either, what with the sad eyes, he's still there for him. Renji knows he misses his own baby boy too when they weren’t together, but they take comfort from each other. Ichigo at least got to take Kazui every other weekend now though, and when he does, Renji came over during that time and they took care of the little guy together.

 

Renji's never known what it felt like to be in a real family, but this must be what it's like. It's so simple... so peaceful.  


They went out together and did grocery shopping, walked through the park with the baby, went on dates, Ichigo carrying Kazui in a baby pouch or Renji pushing his stroller. There's someone there waiting to kiss him when he comes home from work, waiting to have dinner with him and to make love with him once the baby was asleep.

He missed Ichika like crazy but that time they had alone together, just him and Ichigo and his son, taking care of that little boy, it felt oddly… right. Like it was how it supposed to be, finally.

Renji felt all messed up just thinking about it, laying side by side on the floor on some blankets, their arms around each other’s shoulders and a little baby wiggling between their chests. Bathing the baby in the sink together, playing with the little guy, the two of them together, sleeping with them next to him in Ichigo’s bed, blonde baby and blonde boyfriend cuddled to his side - it was like a surreal dream. He’d never felt like he could deserve to even dream to be so content, to feel like he belonged.

It’s been a long damn time since he’d woken up to a baby crawling and flopping around near his head, grabbing and slapping his face and stuff. He woke up to a wet mouth on his face, little soft hands, and happy gurgling.  He snorts and felt around with one big hand, pushing gently at the disturbance poking near his eyes and nose. He smiled a little when he heard Ichigo trying to stifle laughter. He felt another baby kiss as Kazui grabbed his face with wobbly hands and put his nose in his mouth. That woke him up.

“That's right, get him, Kazui," Ichigo snickered as Renji coughed and sputtered, pushing Kazui back. He wiped at his face with his wrist, feeling Ichigo's hand smooth over his forehead, pushing his hair back. He cracked an eye open and met Ichigo in a kiss, and then screwed his face up again when Ichigo lifted Kazui up and airplaned him over him. "Kiss him, Little Lemon!"

Renji puckered up, breaking into a laugh when Ichigo made the baby kiss him, his little mouth wide open.  "Good job! He’s got a date today with some special girls.”

    That’s right. Ichika was coming home today.  


Renji got ready same as usual, brushing his teeth and styling his hair, and walks out once he’s dressed to see Ichigo with his little six-month-old baby boy chewing on a toy, securely held in a baby sling while Ichigo cooked at the counter. Renji came up behind him and kissed him on the cheek, and then leaned down to kiss Kazui’s little soft head.  
  
“Eat before you go.”

“I’m too excited.”  
  
“I made your favorite.”

   “... Okay fine, just one.”  
 

When he picked up Ichika at the airport, he let out a booming laugh when she and Rukia both ran up to him, calling his name. He hugged his best friend and spun her and squeezed Ichika up in his arms, at last squatting down so that they could all hug together. They were both so small that he could carry them both, could enclose them in his embrace easily, his favorite girls.

He took Ichika out to dinner that night and brought her home to his apartment. It felt weird to go back there, he’s been spending so many nights at Ichigo’s place.

“Me and Ichigo made up,” he told her with a pleased smile, knowing it was time to have this conversation with her.

“You guys are friends again?” she chirped, kicking her feet. "Yay-yay-yay!"  
  
“Yeah. I like him a real lot.”

“Me too,” she chirped eagerly.

“I’m glad, baby girl.” Drumming his fingers on the table, he wondered hesitantly, “I wanna’ ask you something.”  
  
“Okay, Daddy.”

And she's young, too young to have this conversation with, too young to really understand probably, but he asks anyways.

“Does it hurt you that me and Mommy don’t live together?” It’s something he thinks about from time to time. Renji was an orphan, and had never been adopted. He’s never known parents, and didn’t know how divorce affected a kid - he understood abandonment though, the betrayal of it, and he never wanted to cause that kind of pain to his own child, didn’t want to repeat the wrongs done to him.

“No,” she chirped. “I like having two houses.” Renji let a laugh escape through his nose. “But when I’m with Mommy, I miss you sometimes, and when I’m with you, I miss Mommy,” she told him.  
  
“But you know I love you an’ Mom, right?” Renji said seriously, feeling it was important that she know that.

“Yeah,” she said. “Lots.”

“... When you’re at Mommy’s house,” Renji began, coming to the point, “I’m here all by myself, an’ I get really lonely with nobody to love.”

“I’m home, I’m home!” she blurted, kicking her legs wildly and bouncing in her seat as if to comfort him and remind him that she was here and didn’t have to be sad.  
  
“Yeah, you are, little munchkin,” Renji laughed. “What would you think if I found a way to stop bein' lonely when you were visiting Mom?”  
  
“You did?”  
  
“What if I fell in love, what if Daddy had a sweetheart?” Renji wondered, watching her expression carefully. Her excitement seemed to dampen and she frowned in thought.  
  
“Not Mommy?” she asked at last.  
  
“Not Mommy.”

“A princess?” she guessed.  
  
“No, not a princess.” Renji can’t stop a smile at that one, imagining Ichigo’s reaction.  
  
She seemed to become more and more troubled the longer she thought about it. “Who’s gonna’ play with me?” she whimpered at last, growing upset.  
  
“I will, baby,” he promised gently.  
  
“You an’ the new mommy?” she realized, lip beginning to quiver.    
  
“Ichika…” Renji sighed, deciding to just come out with it. “Me and Ichigo… We… I think we love each other,” he said.  
  
Screwing a fist into one eye and wiping it, Ichika wondered, “Lots?”

“Lots,” Renji agreed, smiling. “If Ichigo was Daddy’s sweetheart, if he came over and played a lot, what would you think about that?”  
  
“I think it’s good,” Ichika said, after making a show of considering.

“Because Ichigo and I, we were thinking that we might all live together. You, me, and Ichigo, and sometimes baby Kazui,” he said, introducing the idea as calmly as he could, trying to read what she thought about it from her face. “Does that sound like a happy home?”  
  
“Will you and Ichi-nii-san play with me?”

“Yes,” he breathed, “Yes, all the time.” Ichika started giggling then. “What? What?” he insisted.

“You have hearts for eyes, Daddy,” she giggled.

“Hah,” he laughed, looking down at his lap for a second. “I guess I do. Thank you, baby.”  
  
“How come?”

“I didn’t know you were such a grown-up lady already.” She grins and wriggles around almost uncontrollably.  


    “Daddy?”

       “Yeah?”

“Does this mean I get to see baby Kazui?”

   “Yeah,” Renji laughed. “I guess it does.”  


     "I'm gonna' teach him so many games!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wouldn't describe Ichigo using a baby slings if it wasn't the norm in japan, and it is, so he'd probs use one too. 
> 
> when I went last summer, they were all over the place. every baby I saw was in one, and to my surprise, half of them were used by dads! it was very cute to see dad's in business suits on the train or on the street carrying their baby. all the babies were so well behaved too, I don't think i saw a single one crying the whole time we were there. 
> 
> anyway, thanks for reading. anyone interested in another piece with the kids in it? because I have more ideas for dadfics


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